3rd Party Fantasy

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#7 Last Words and Soccer Skills

Evil Emperor Nick

on Jan. 22, 2006

I was at a card game pre-release today and away all day playing Magic and chatting with fellow card game enthusiasms (Read as Uber Geeks easily parted from their money). I spent part of this time eating a sandwich, which was quite good, and during this time I took a moment to look back at the group and consider them. It was in this highly philosophical mood that happened to take notice the females of the room, such as they, and the much larger number of males counter parts in the room.

At this point I had a revelation in human relationship dynamics. For a brief moment I separated myself my natural male perspective (read checking out women’s naughty bits) and considered the relationship dynamic from the female perspective and cross reference the previous male knowledge. What I realized was simple, that in a male/female romantic relationship you want to be more attractive then your other.

This was a huge leap for the normal male card enthusiast’s perspective is to lure attractive females in clever T-shirt slogans or popular icons, then when you have their attention draw them in with you DDR skillz, impressive collection of science fiction materials, and vocabulary. Since some personal skills such as cleanliness, inter-personal communications (not relating directly to anime characters), and fashion are all not virtues by standards of this group almost any females whom still retains 3 or more limbs and ‘boobs’ is an impressive companion. Inevitable in these parings the females is always the prettier of the two. This is no doubt in part do to the fact women, no matter how pretty, generally spend 30-120 minutes a day cleaning and augmenting their visuals usually through hair removal and color enhancement. Since the counter parts, the males, generally spend between 0-13 minutes on their appearance (Not counting time spent poising in mirror), it should come as nor great surprise females appear better looking in public.

However having an other who is prettier then you presents some very difficult problems. First off they can always upgrade (fe)male friends, while if you are not as pretty as your other you can probably look forward to lower future standards. Additionally the prettiest member is inevitably flawed over by the less pretty, and thus subject to whims of the other. Ask any man with a pretty girl how many chick flicks they have seen to which they will kindly replay they need to leave to seek out their dignity and man parts, which inevitably are at with their girl friends whom took them as collateral on their relationship. Additionally more pressure is put on the less pretty member of the relationship to maintain the relationship and arrange random gifts or possibly cash. So the prettier of the two has a great degree of benefits and control in the relationship.

The way I see it females already have a decisive advantage of men in this aria. They have literally thousands of products design to work over their exterior. Indeed TV advertising goes to great lengths to convinces women their bodies are hideously ugly and can only come socially acceptable by covering them with many varied creams, clothes, lotions, jewelry, accessories, shoes, hair styling, and of course make up. Men on the other hand well, most male products only really deal with shaving and/or preventing BO, unless of course you count fitness equipment who’s, as near as I can tell, primary function in most homes is to attempt to attract the maximum amount of dust possible. While these are two important aria’s they don’t really increase one’s prettiness index. Obnoxiously any male who is too pretty will be sending the signal they are a man’s man if the non-macho heavy object lifting sort of way, and thus still failing to attract females. Consequently it would seem our only option is to lower the prettiness of females world wide and stop objectifying women causing them to feel suddenly ignored and sending self image ratings plummeting through out the world population, additionally killing a large number of shallow male based programming/advertising. Incidentally if anyone does try this plan please let me know in advance so I can invest in chocolate companies whom’s profits always directly relate to the self esteem of women world wide. Of course the disadvantage with this plan is then males would have to start speaking to women and vast, shallow, portions of our population would fail to reproduce and I would dearly miss Hollywood when this happened.

So what can males do? My conclusion the only way to take control of these things is to invest in leather jackets. It is a well known fact that a leather jacket in the one universal piece of clothing accepted by all groups of men as acceptable and fashionable. Bikers can wear leather jackets, fashion types can wear leather jackets, even academia can wear leather jackets. Leather, in reality should be fairly cheep seeing as the average male eats 4.3 cows worth of beef a year their should there for be at least 3 leather jackets for every male. I theorize the reason leather jackets are so expensive is because corporations fear that with the leather jacket clothing the whole of the male population that any time it rains all said males will stay home for fear of ruining their leather jackets and their for becoming less pretty and thus the stock market will crash. Their for they secretly have the vast amount of leather jackets produced each year ground up and turned into chili and other mystery meat style food which is sold at sports games, which is why ever major city has a sports team no matter how poor that sports team might be as well as the existence of indoor soccer leagues. (Seriously my home team “The Crunch” has been the world champions of indoor soccer several times and no one here had even noticed they exist.)

Well about this point in my thought process I finished my sandwich and any further conclusions were lost (perhaps for the better) as I changed gears to try and figure out how best to generate enough goblin tokens to kill a dragon. So take care and invest in a leather jacket gentlemen; I’m off to invest in some Avon stock.