3rd Party Fantasy

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#22 Fight Scene

Evil Emperor Nick

on Feb. 6, 2006

Tea Club, it is CUTE! I confess I have a weakness for Tea, Cats, and Cuteness and this comics has all three.

Ahem,

Rant

There are two major motivating factors in almost all fiction stupidity and greed, well and sometimes atomic mutation I suppose. It is not surprising these are also the motivating factors in making movies.

I mean take Godzilla for example, you know just don�t mess with him, yet everyone does. In each new film they are upsetting the big lizard by either stealing Godzilla�s man egg, trying out a new weapon on him or trying to harness Godzilla to create world peace through atomic radiation, or because they made him co-start with Mathew Brodrick (I mean who wouldn�t be ticked about that). I would not be surprised if they explained that the government decided poke Godzilla every couple of years just to keep the construction industry healthy. Not that anyone cared, most people were watching for the identical twin Japanese quasi-clothed fairy chicks who always wined about Mothra, who incidentally gets killed EVERY SINGLE TIME she shows her face. Serriously it must be a Japanese thing because I can�t understand why they think a big moth is that impressive, heck there one in the original Dr. Dolittle.

The point is that there are some things we probably shouldn�t do but are compelled to do for the sake of the sequel and/or scandalously clad twins. Children are the prime example of this. Almost all parents are rank amateurs traumatized to varying degrees by their parents. I mean logically that is like having someone who is afraid of water teach people how to swim. Oh sure they would probably have a good idea of the problems with swimming but probably couldn�t tell you how to swim properly.

All new parents generally have are grandparents (who generally speaking first reaction to any problem will be �See I told you! I told you! HAHAHAHA!�) and parental instincts from natures (Which probably are not much better given the fact that some species eat their young) to guide them instead of any sort of documented preparation. Ironically those we deem professionals who might have an objective option can be sued for parenting children in anyway.

Parenting in many ways is the art of attempting to manipulate your child into thinking it needs to be just like yourself. Today this is achieved through four main methods each with their own unique was of traumatizing the child. The most popular method currently is guilt, as it is the most socially acceptable as all scares it leaves are strictly psychological. Guild is a powerful force and in some ancient societies is considered the 5th element (after Earth, Fire, pizza, & merchandising). Secondly is bribery aka the reward system. This, while still common, has the disadvantage of not being and exclusive tool of the parents and outside forces like Chinese Communist Space Vampires could potentially use this to turn the children against humanity. Third is lying. This is very common early on �Don�t get out of your bed or you�ll step in the bear traps your mother and I set, which release the gophers which will big into the ground and set loose the zombies shall rise from the floor and feast on your flesh and devour your SOULLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! Okay? Sleep tight now sweet heart.� But this method tends to be less common as children get older and learn the number for the police and other government agencies. Finally rounding out the top four comes television. TV renders the child�s brain to mushy state where they are receptive to suggestion making them easier to control, this does however have the side effect of causing children to repeat anything they have seen over, and over, and over, and over until you want to scream �#$@# I don�t CARE what we learned today from the puppet if you sing that song one more time and so help me I�ll get out my old albums and start singing �classic� rock!!!!!!!�. Clearly we need some new methods of dealing with children.

Obviously we can�t stop breeding, the ideal solution, so logically the only thing we can do is release children back into the wild to be raised by penguins. I mean think about how dedicated those guys are. Recent documentaries have taught me the dedication and their superior capacity for parenting. They make like 30 trips across the arctic and spend 9 months a year breeding/raising young. That means they spend 3/4ths of their time raising their kids. That is MUCH better then your average parents whom only remembers there kids names 3/4ths of the time. Penguin raise children would have many advantages like an innate sense of community and a natural resistance to the cold. Critics of my penguin plan claim that I�m planning to make a super human race of penguin/human hybrids whom I plan to use to finally destroy Godzilla once and for all, but as we all know that is just crazy talk. >.>