3rd Party Fantasy

Author notes

#42 Enter Assassins

Evil Emperor Nick

on Feb. 26, 2006

I might be getting an ear infection and I need to redo large portions of tomarrow comics so I might have to put up filler tomarrow. I'm not planning on it right now but currently I'm just trying not to fall and sleep and short out my keyboard with drool.

Also Props to Amy who reposted the 3PF/CTV crossover. Sigh, good times, maybe I should do something like that again. Just an FYI, that crossover takes place a about 20 issues from now so hopefully somethings in the crossover will be a bit more clear when we reach that point.

Rant

Agent Kyzellia Skuria

I am a corporate assassin trained in the use of fire arms of all sorts, three forms on martial arts, and metahuman mystical powers. Death is more then my trade it is my art, my gift. I am the final answer, I am walking death.

The assignment was simple, a island research facility had been raided by a rival corporation. Something happened, the situation had escalated out of control. Now bio-genetic virus induced zombies ran free across the island along and experimental hybrid cyborg, psychic vampires and worse. I performed a halo drop into the sea, entered through the island factory’s intake system. The horrors of the island proved no match for me. Rival agents were dispatched, madmen dealt with, secrets kept, monsters destroyed, witnesses silenced, and more. My mission was almost complete when things took a turn for the worse. My briefing had not covered this scenario, nor my training prepared me for this final and most critical challenge. How could it have? Who could have foreseen this ancient and monolithic challenge which has plagued man since the dawn of time would choose now to resurface, for before me is a locked door.

Yes the locked door, of the oldest and most mysterious of all challenges in video games. The mystical challenges that only a true gamer can over come. A clear test of a players cunning, skill and power. Originally there was but one such test PONG! The hitting of a small ball, but this has faded into the dark of history with the second but far more epic bottomless pit replacing it. (In 1992 it was discovered these pit are not in fact bottomless but actually lead to Cleveland.) Since a classic ten challenges have been formed the aforementioned pit, but also the giant boss with tiny vulnerable point, the nearly blind guard, find the spoon quests, push the block puzzles, pull the lever bosses, run away quickly challenges, match the patterns, memory games, shoot the red square and last but not least the boss with a one weapon weakness.

These are the basic fundamentals around which almost all non-sports games are build around, sadly. I mean back in 1982 I’m sure finding a spoon or a locked door was freaking mind blowing but today I have to question how I can blow up a tank but a plywood door that looks like it is from homedepo can stop ancient vampires and godlike wizards. Am I the only one who wonders how much people get paid to design a puzzle in which one has to push a cube onto a colored square?

I mean I REFUSE to play normal Resident Evil because stuff like that. Give me Agent Ada any day. When she finds a locked door she just goes like 20 feet to find the air duct, she doesn’t run half way across to board to find the yellow key card, you get bonus points if the key card is half missing and you need to do a puzzle to get the other half.

Now I’ll give a break to some mini-games espeically if the are optional for bonuses, but most often their atari counter parts made these mono-button controlled counter parts. I mean seriously if you are going to make a simple racing game as a bonus in your game sit down play a little Mario Kart and figure it out instead of making something where you mash alternating buttons for 15 minutes.

Mario games are a fairly successful under the KISS (Keep It Simple Stupid) philosophy with the notable exception of the Mario Party games. I mean if it is fun, they keep it in, and if it isn’t they cut it out. Are these games going to win awards? No, but they will keep you and your girl friend from fighting over what movie to go see. Sadly some video games take this to a rather negative extreme in the form of games which seem intended to be played by retarded squirrels glued to the controllers because if you just keep hitting the button enough you’ll win the game and be rewarded with large amount of digital red goo for your efforts. It seems the general theory is that any problems with the game can be solves with extra blood. Meanwhile most other video games still can’t figure out how to keep a camera angel from flying into a wall.

What does this mean? Just that I think most game makes should spend less time trying to brag about how much ram there latest system has for the low price of your first born child and just try and get some more consistency out of there development staff.

Well that is all for me for now. Take care everyone and please if your idea of a good time is running spoons across dangers waste lands instead of buying a video game just give me 60 dollars and I’ll be happy to give you something to deliver to chicago, I’m off to play Stubbs the Zombie.