3rd Party Fantasy

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#92 Nothing Personal

Evil Emperor Nick

on May 1, 2006

Well I'm back to ranting as promised now that the crossover is finished. I hope you all enjoy.

Rant

The geese, the horror!

Moby Dick, in addition to making 5th graders giggle, has been held up as the quintessential book detailing the struggle of man vs. nature. In the story the mad Captain Ahab spends his life hunting his nemesis in form of a white whale. Well today in that same tradition a new struggle between man and nature takes place in the condos of suburbia where my Grandfather resides. I can see it now, the 80's, taxes are low and construction is booming. Times are good. A plucky young team of developers pitches the idea of Bay Garden condos, complete with small man made lakes to complete the allure suggested in the name. Little did they have any idea of the horror those lakes would bring.

I learned while spending some time at my Grandfather’s that collective residents of Bay Gardens have such a nemesis in the form of Geese. These foul fowl strut about the place distressing the retired residents more than a raise in bingo prices. And truth be told I can see why. They honk at all hours of the night, they poop on anything, and they are everywhere. Now given that they are rather large and slow moving if it were up to me a full tank of gas with a complimentary car wash would be all I’d need to deal with this problem but Bay Gardens takes a different approach. While the residents were somewhat concerned about paying for new doors to the condos they have given their full support to their private war with the geese. With a budget of over ten-thousand dollars they have purchased a an impressive arsenal to combat this threat.

Being sophisticated suburbians the initial strategy was psychological warfare. To this end they first purchased an artificial owl to look over helpful signs warning the lakes were not to be swam in. It is ironic therefor that since no one thought to nail the owl to the sign it ended up in the lake for several weeks till the life guard returned and fished the fallen sentry out of the lake with a pool net. Next they acquired a small cache of plastic dead geese. However here the residents took issue, a portion of the residents of Bay Gardens felt the dead geese were unsightly much as I imagine dead geese are supposed to be. So a compromise was met. They would put the fake dead geese under trees, bushes, and by garbage dumps where the residents would not have to look at them. Sadly this also meant the geese could not see them. With aesthetics in mind the next devise was chosen more for its visual appeal then its tactical value, a set of wind toys in the shape of birds with flapping wings. Sadly here was the first incident of friendly fire when a resident, being chased by geese (who were apparently not bothered at all by the wind toy) ran into it’s spinning wings and became entangled.

Following this incident, a meeting was held to discuss the geese problem and the residents almost gave up. Or they almost did until a resident armed with a paper he had printed off the internet announced that geese lay multiple eggs which means that if they did not act next year the geese population could increase up to four times. At this point the residents got serious and invested in lasers. I kid you not, the residents of Bay Gardens purchased several sophisticated laser devises and armed a small army of volunteers with these weapons to patrol the grounds at both dawn and dusk and fire on anything that moves. Now these lasers have about as much success with the geese as GI Joe’s did on Cobra. Which is to say the residents (who’s eye-sight isn’t always the best) fire them about in the air chasing off geese, yet by the next day the geese are “poised to take over the place” yet again.

Now not every resident is so lucky as to get a laser to fight this menace. With so many geese the residents have now turned to guerilla tactics. Carefully, they will place food out on their porches and wait for the geese to arrive then they burst out from behind patio doors with a signature cry of “Shoooooo, Shooooooo” they wave both cane and walker sending the shocked geese waddling slowly away.

And so the battle continues, when last I heard, the residents were considering some sort of sonic devise to drive away the geese by making a sound distressing to geese. There was some concern about this as it turns out that this sonic devise also makes a sound that distressing to resting humans. Nonetheless, the residents are bound and determined, and their efforts have finally produced some results. Now they have ducks there too.

-Empire Out