Asshole

Author notes

@$$hole! #98: Seriously, Internet Dating Sucks

trevoramueller

on June 4, 2009

Seriously, biggest waste of my time. Yet like a heroine addict, I just keep coming back for more - even though I know that it's bad for me.

For men, internet dating is a numbers game. You send out as many e-mails as possible to women and hope that they e-mail you back. For women, it's a process of elimination. They have all the power, because e-mail is always a one-sided conversation. My charms come off in person, not through text, so I'm at a bit of a disadvantage.

I just have this image in my head of women only looking for guys with popped collars and side burns - basically, the guys that look like Johnny Jerkface and Anthony Douche Bag from high school. The problem here is, they "claim" in their profiles that they're looking for a nice guy - someone honest, caring, romantic, fun, whatever. Well, I'm sure Johnny and Anthony are fun, but they're still the same people that hurt you in high school and college. Why? Because they haven't NEEDED to change their ways. Women keep coming back for more. So they keep cheating or doing whatever they please.

Meanwhile, guys like me - average to below average looking with nerdy and niche interests - get ignored, even though we meet the criteria that these women claim to be looking for.

Hence, the new profile. I had a lot of fun writing it, even if it is a bit over-the-top and exaggerated. I'm sure there are other nice guys out there on the internet, and I hope that they're stealing the women from me instead of Johnny and Anthony. Because honestly, Johnny and Anthony need to go die in a hole somewhere quietly and stop diluting women and making them skeptical about taking a chance on us nice guys.

Seriously, but waste of my time. Yet here I am, thinking about joining yet another site. Are my chances going to go up any? Probably not. But I guess you have to put yourself out there to get any results.

The thing that really irks me about internet dating, though: when they stop e-mailing you for no reason. Seriously, not knowing is awful. If you ever want to punish your worst enemy, do something and never let them know what it is….the not knowing will drive them mad!

So to you married people I say "Congratulations." You've found that elusive thing that I've been searching for. To those of you on the search, like me, I say good luck.

And to Johnny Jerkface and Anthony Douche Bag I say, "Choke on each other's cocks and die." :P