BK Shadow Nemesis

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Chapter5_Page6

kyupol

on April 22, 2007

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RANT OF THE DAY
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My 24th birthday is closing in… 3 months from now I'd be 24.


So what can I say? Fuckin 4 years ago when I was 20 years old… I had a premonition. It was this dream I had when I was talking to this faceless, sexless figure… I couldnt remember the face. I couldnt make out a gender of the speaker… It was like the figure was talking to me telepathically or something. Its the feeling I get… that I JUST KNOW what that figure is trying to say.

Anyway, the figure told me that when I hit age 24, I'd regret every single word I said… Every single negative thing I said about life… because that is the day I'd be very happy. Because GOOD FORTUNE will come upon me. That which is UNEXPECTED

At that time… I was 20… it was the height of my depressive, suicidal thoughts. And back then, I was like… hm… what could that be? My primitive outdated brain gave me this: I'd meet this really nice girl and we'd be happy together like its a fuckin fairytale… Like the silly marriage stories in the New York Times!!!

But you know what it is?

It is KNOWLEDGE.

It is a new… solid understanding of things. It is ENLIGHTENMENT. Right now, I'm alot smarter. The things that made me cringe or cry or trigger depressive thoughts is NO MORE. One of the triggers is the sight of people hangin out in the mall… the seemingly happy couples holding hands. The thought of me missing out and being "lonely".

Now that is no more. I've seen it myself. One sunday afternoon, I decided to hang out by myself in the mall… when all the people my age are out there socializing and shit. I dont feel depression ONE PERCENT.

Now I'm like… friends? relationships? Now what? Is that something that is forever? Or is it something fleeting? Is it something with solid steel foundations? Or are the foundations only made of sand that gets blown away by the wind?

Is making your life revolve around relationships something worth it? If you do so, will it cause you pain? Will it make you happy? What?

What if the conditions that exist do not support your current mindset? If it doesnt, it is time to adapt. Change.

It is becoming clearer now. My premonition is becoming a reality.

And who is that "figure" who told me all this?

Is it God? Was I abducted by aliens? Is it an angel? Is it a devil? Do I possess a certain level of psychic ability? Is a psychic ability something that is inherent in ALL humans? Or is it just another product of my overactive imagination…

I swear… on another instance 4 years ago, one night, I had difficulty breathing. I could feel a heavy load on my lungs, and my arms and legs unable to move. Then the same voice kept tellin me… "Do you really wanna die? You like to hurt yourself alot and think suicidal thoughts and listen to all that negative music. If you really wanna die, why are you struggling to be alive? The fuck is your problem?" It was all instantaneous. No words were said. Just an instant thought transmission.



Or fine. just dismiss this as another symptom of depression and the meds I had to take that time. A hallucination. Just chemicals in the brain playing around. Fine. Dismiss this account as another story made up by me in order to be an attention whore. lol :)