Author notes

Chapter 2 Page 3 - A Trashy Romance Book

Evil Emperor Nick

on June 2, 2008

Well I got pretty good feedback on my last story so I hope everyone enjoys this installment just as much. Special thanks to all my friends who helped me through a really rough day, you know who you are.

Don't forget to vote on TWC & Buzz for a preview of the next page.

My name is Basil

Written By: E.E. Nick
Edited by: Amelius

Dear Doctor Elistrea,

My name is Basil and I'm a people eater.

Now I'm not apologizing for eating people, but I do accept that it is a problem that is keeping me out of society and I'm trying to deal with it. I don't want to be shunned anymore. I'm hoping you can help me.

You must understand though that from our prespective this is all very sudden. The Ganadon were eating people for millenia until some of you started talking. Up until then we didn't really think about it, if we saw an elf or a dwarf we just made stew. Then one day we find one talking and pretty soon everything is talking and shouting how it doesn't want to be eaten and its just been really rough trying to keep up.

I mean at first it wasn't so bad, from our side of things I mean. Oh sure you people could talk but that didn't really get you anywhere. I mean sometimes you lot yelling actually got more to come out of the wood works. It was like the appetizer brough the main course all on its own. Then somewhere along the way you all got organized and before you know it they were all throwing spears and whatnot and making it a real pain hunt you down. The whole point I suppose, but really a shock for me; you must understand. This just wasn't done.

So things went throug a rough patch with us hunting you and you hunting us, that sort of thing until finally we seemed to find our place in the world. Lair keepers! We would go out, find outselves a big pile of sparklies, keep it in a cave some where and the food would come to us. Oh right, you had to shell it out of the armor but that was no big deal. Best of all, no one seemed to mind us eating these adventurer types and a couple times a year the local villiages might even send up a treat or two.

I mean it finally seemed like we all found our place together. Everything was working! And then you lot start to toss fire and thunder bolts around. Well, I don't think I have to tell you that was the end of the lair business. I'm not going through all the trouble to fill up a cave with gold just to have hair burnt off by some uppity spell slinger. Thank you very much, but no thanks. You'll just have to find another way to make your money. And I'll tell you for years they came to harrass us when all the treasure was gone and they couldn't find work, blaming me! Its not my fault that lot spend their youth learning to blow stuff up instead of learning a useful trade like carpentry. Yet they came hunting us down dead drunk more often then not, yelling and raving like it was our fault. Excuse me, but I've got to eat too and I prefer to eat you!

Oh sure they're always like, can't you go vegetarian? But even if my internal organs could process that plant nonsense I'd just be getting the same thing from the dryads & treefolk! We''ve all got to eat and someone's gotta get eaten!

Is letting these little gobs of fatty fluid go about their day really helping the species? I mean from a certain perspective I'd be doing the species a favor. I mean do you really think you lot would have gone from stick and stone to fire and lighting if we hadn't been eating you? I submit you would still be shoving sticks into ant hives and banging coconuts together. You can't tell me I'm wrong, you can't, 'cause it is the truth. It is plain as day.

And you lot are just not helping yourselves these days at all I might add. Fattening up, crowding into those towns, it is like you're just asking to be eaten. I mean back in the day you were lucky to get enough people to make a good side dish, but today a good town could be like all you can eat for a week. I mean I can hardly be held accountable when you practically put out a sign. "Population: 500 delicious people!" I mean if there was a thief in your town and you put out signs like " Wealth a valuables here" and then didn't even lock up the shop is it really thief's fault? Don't you can some culpablity here for just tempting and tempting the poor fellow? I mean with that delicious smell and those fatty rolls? You couldn't blame me could you? Am I a monster or am I a victim?

-Note found at Kroop Village slaughter