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No One Home Written by E.E. Nick
"Damn browntails." Skrag complained as he scrapped wolf poo off his boot.
"They keep the dire animals out of this forest and in the valley." Veldor observered.
"Yea, yea, yea." Skrag dismissed. "But seeing as I'm on the undead health plan now little things like freaking huge animals don't bother you as much as they used to. Freaking huge piles of animal poo however still do."
"I don't see what the problem is. Your both just decaying waste." Prix said with a smile.
"Now that is cold woman!" Skrag shot back. "You've already been the death of me, don't make me return the favor."
"Awww, you wouldn't do that to your old partner now would you?" Prix said.
"In a heart beat!" Skrag grumbled.
"Well then I guess I'm lucky your heart doesn't beat anymore." Prix said.
"Actually I think it still does." Said Veldor feeling his chest. "It is weird. Hey Veldor why DOES my heart beat if I'm a zombie?"
"Your heart beats because I made it beat." Veldor said with a mild edge to his voice.
Locke decided to try and be the voice of reason. "He probably decided it would be more work in the long run to have your entire body run on raw necromatic energy as that would require raw forces of magic to animate your body, bind your spirit and mind to it & prevent natural decay. (Which is why zombies as such are shambling, rotting, dim wits most of the time.) He probably thought it would be a lot easier just to kick start your natural biological functions to take care of all that and only "pad" your body with necromantic spells to allow…."
Veldor cast Locke and unpleseant look and Locke just shrugged and let what he was saying trail off.
"Whatever. So long as it KEEPS beating." Skrag said.
"So what is the plan when we get there?" Prix asked.
"Well that really depends on how big it is." Locke replied.
"Oh man I can't tell you how many times I've thought that but that is the first time I've heard it said aloud." Prix said.
All three men gave Prix a glower.
"Whaaaaat?' Prix said.
"And she wonders why she is still single." Veldor said.
"You know its cute when you are threatened by me being a maiden." Said Prix.
"You haven't been a 'maiden' for a very long time from what I've read on the bathroom walls at the taverns." Veldor replied.
Prix scowled at Veldor and mumbled. "Asshat."
"When you play with fire sometimes you get burned." Veldor said slightly condescendingly.
"Lay off Prix." Skrag said sticking up for his former partner. "Now what were you saying Locke?"
"Just that since we don't know the specifics of the Basil creature we really can't plan anything." Locke observed. "So our first order of business when we arrive should be some recon."
"This job is going to be tricky." Skrag said though he was not complaining about that fact. "We should probably only send one person for recon."
There was a moments silence as all parties waited to see if someone would volenteer for the job.
"You know," Prix said breaking the silence. "Skrag IS already dead."
"And I'm not keen to die again." Skrag replied. "How about this time you get partly eaten by the monster and I call for help."
"Well no need to be bitter about it. I'm just assessing our current situation, not rehashing the old one." Prix said.
"Being killed is a little hard to get past." Skrag said.
"Only the first time." Veldor said.
Skrag shot him a cold look. "Aye well thanks but no thanks, I've no intention of dying again."
"Well I've got a lot of things going for me, but stealth isn't one of them." Prix said. "Unless by stealth you mean stabbing everyone in the area I don't think I'm the person for this job."
"Well…." Locke started.
"Not it." Veldor interupted.
"What?" Locke said.
"Not it." Veldor repeated.
Locke blinked at the elderly necromancer in disbelief. "Oh come on you can't expect…"
"Not it." Veldor said yet again.
"Are you retarded? What is wrong with your brain. We can't just make decisions like thirteen year olds." Locke complained.
"NOT…..IT." Veldor said slowly with much finality.
"That doesn't even mean anything…." Locke said looking to the others who just shrugged.
"Asshat." Locke said belatedly agreeing with Prix as he started out of the vally to Basil's lair cursing Veldor Valn all the way.
The rest of the group got as comfortable as they could and waited for Locke to return.
"You know what I like about being an adventurer?" Skrag asked.
"No." Prix deadpanned, knowing where Skrag was going with it but playing along anyway.
"Me either." Skrag finished.
"And yet you keep doing it." Veldor observed.
"Maybe you like all the excitement." Prix suggested in a very bored voice.
"That must be it." Skrag agreed.
"I have returned." Entoned Locke who, just as he reported had returned.
"What did you find out?" Asked Prix
"Well I have good news and not so good news." Locke said. "The good news is I don't think Basil's home."
"Well no bounty, but easy loot then." Prix said.
"The bad news is I didn't see any huge piles of treasure." Locke said.
"Did someone clean him out already?" Prix asked.
"No I don't think so." Locke said.
"Maybe he invested it all." Veldor suggested. "Maybe we can find some bank statements with his account numbers."
Skrag made an unpleasent snorting sound scoffing at the idea.
"Something the matter?" Veldor asked.
"I'm just saying a bunch of people putting their money all together in one place? It just makes it easier for bandits." Skrag said. "And that is saying nothing about interest rates. I just think if I was a giant monster I could find better things to do with my money."
"Are we sure he even had treasure?" Prix asked.
"Quite sure." Said Veldor.
"Well was there at least some stuff we can loot?" Prix asked.
"Well there was a lot of art by Luna Silvermoon but good luck finding someone who'll pay you full price on those now that she is back from the dead."
"Yea but her lich period art just isn't the same." Veldor added.
"Well what do you expect?" Skrag said. "Her heart and soul just aren't in her art anymore."
"Well what else was down there?" Prix asked.
"Hmmm, not much else worth taking." Locke said. "I mean unless you think someone is going to want a 70 foot chair; and even if we did he seems like he is kind of a slob so most things are….crusty."
"Ewww! What could he spend it on! The thing is a big naked ape that eats people!" Prix complained.
Meanwhile in the near by city of Kerkon.
Basil looked the wares the merchant was offering up and down and pretended to think about his choice longer then he really did to seem as if he was not much impressed with the selection. "How much for the Gnome. Not the man, not that tall girl. Though the girl is tempting. She looks just like the label on her butt promises…juicy."
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