Dick Hammer

Author notes

33

Chris Wisnia

on Sept. 16, 2007

Just wait, fans! We know, we know! So far, DICK HAMMER’S DAILIES have been devoid of action! and only featured boring, wordy character development, but stick around four more chapters, and then we’ll begin to jump into the (boring, wordy, actionless) plot!

Here’s another quick reminder (from our sponsors) what great sponsors we have…

Ellis Christie’s “Thugs, Mugs, and Slugs” Radio Mystery Hour!

As a rare treat, the “Thugs, Mugs, and Slugs” Radio Mystery Hour has graciously donated some of their most popular episodes from the 1940’s and ‘50’s, featuring their most brutal, violent, and disturbing hardboiled crime radio shows! Be sure to tune in to their “Thugs, Mugs, and Slugs” Radio Mystery Hour every Thursday evening!

Thanks for reading, and for supporting our sponsor, the “Thugs, Mugs, and Slugs” Radio Mystery Hour! Here’s a classic, memorable episode right now! Followed by this week’s exciting Dick Hammer daily… “Dance Hall Death!”
Enjoy!
-Rob Oder, Editor-in-Chief


* * *
[Sound of rain on concrete. Footsteps approaching]
[orchestra swells]
[footsteps quicken, then suddenly stop]
[rain beating down]
VOICE: What are you…Put down that shovel…
[wet, sticky thud, like a melon cracking open]
[body splashes to ground, upsetting trash can]
[dog barking]

[theme song]

Announcer: Welcome to Andrew Avery’s “Thugs, Mugs, and Slugs” Radio Mystery Hour! Featuring the Stinking, Rotten, No-Good, Back-Stabbing Rats!
[ocean waves swelling and receding]
[fog horn]
Nasal voice: Oh th…there you are, Johnny. Hi, Eddie. Christ, what a night to meet you on the Bay. What’s up?

Wheezing voice: Sorry, kid, it ain’t good. Come down here by the water with us.
Nasal: Wh…What’s up?
[sea gulls]
Wheezing: You know you loused things up last week, kid.

Nasal: I know, Johnny, I told you. I thought we were okay. I’ll fix it, I…I just need some time…

Wheezing: I know, kid, I know. I talked with the fellas. It’s a no-go.
Nasal: Johnny, c’mon, please, I’m beggin’ ya, I just need Wait, whoa, what are you…Eddie, c’mon, hey. Let go of me, Eddie. Please, just a minute, all right?
[sound of scuffle]
Nasal: C’mon, WAIT. Johny.
[ocean waves swell]

Wheezing: In the water, Eddie.
Nasal: No, wait! I’m begging you…PLEASE…
[splashing]
Nasal: Johnny, please, blurble…
[splashes]
Wheezing: Keep his head down in there.
[splashes. splashes thin and quiet]
Wheezing: That’s it. Just keep him there a few minutes. OH SHIT!
[splashes]
Wheezing: Eddie, he’s got a knife…
[sound of punctured skin]
[sound of squirting vein]
[splash of body falling in, body stepping out]
Wheezing: SHIT! EDDIE! OH JESUS!
[panting, gasping for air, splashes]
Nasal (panting): You fuckers…fuh, fuh, Johnny, god damn it…fuh…
Wheezing: Cool down, kid… You really opened that jugular Oh Jesus, Eddie…
Nasal: STAY BACK! Fuh, fuh…Just stay the fuck away from me, you fucker…
Wheezing: Johnny, settle down, all right? Eddie’s still alive…
[gentle splashes]
Wheezing: Oh Christ…Just settle down for a minute…Look at his…
Nasal: FUCK EDDIE, and STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME.
Wheezing: Kid, where you gonna go? Listen to me…
Nasal: Don’t try to follow me.
[ocean waves, footsteps receding]
[rustling clothing. Gun cocking]
Wheezing: Kid.
[gun firing]
Nasal: GHhhh
[body collapsing to ground in sand]
Wheezing: Sorry, kid. But where were you gonna go?
[seagulls, ocean waves]

Announcer: Hope you enjoyed this week’s “Thugs, Mugs, and Slugs” Radio Mystery Hour! Featuring the Stinking, Rotten, No-Good, Back-Stabbing Rats! Join us again next Thursday evening!