Dick Hammer

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69

Chris Wisnia

on March 16, 2008

Hope you’re enjoying Dick Hammer’s Dailies, Fans!

As you can imagine, our mailboxes have become a literal menagerie, ever since the shocking, controversial announcement that the role of Rudyard Rupert Kaplan III would be snatched from the hands of one of your favorite (out-of-control pain-in-the-ass) actors, and tossed into the lap of Tabloia steady “bit” contractor, William Ridgemark!

Well it’s taken us weeks, but we’ve read and sorted every letter that’s flooded our desks, and here are some samples:

“…makes everything he’s in a chore to watch.”
Burt Ninger
Sapulpa, Oklahoma

[name deleted by editor] “…was better…”
Norville Lance
Munfordville, Kentucky

“…Ridgemark sucks…”
Ed Backing
Eagle Butte, South Dakota

“…can’t stand that harbinger of boredom…”
Creed Tort
Duck Hill, Mississippi

“What are you stupid idiots thinking to cast that…talentless hack…?…”
Ned Beechum
Lonoke, Arkansas

“…asshole…”
Earl Heimley
Frisco City, Alabama

“…never read this crap-hole piece of…again…”
Ike Breesie
Muncey, Indiana

“…ungrateful, undeserving…in his ass…”
Nick Blaylick
Woodville, Louisiana

“…moron…hack…and fuck you guys…”
Eli McKenzie
Marshalville, Georgia

And that’s just a sample! The letters are so overwhelmingly negative and pessimistic about the re-cast that we ran up three separate doctor bills! Everyone is unanimous in their hatred of our decision to recast!

And believe us, we take your constructive criticisms to heart, and so does the talented Mr. Ridgemark! In fact, this is precisely the reaction William was aiming to elicit with his characterization of Rupert Rudyard Kaplan III, and precisely why we know how pleased you’ll be to hear that William Ridgemark is aboard this project for the long haul!

You see, fans? Such resounding feedback makes all the difference! –Rob Oder, editor-in-chief!