August: When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
Lars: Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
August: On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
Lars: There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
August: Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
Lars: Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
August: In the beginning there was nothing…then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
Lars: Chuck Norris did not "lose" his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.
August: Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Lars: Scientists believe the world began with the "Big Bang". Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a "bad case of gas".
August: Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
Lars: When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
August: Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
Lars: Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
August:Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
Lars: There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
August: Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.
Lars: Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.
August: If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period!
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