So we've learned something here: Asphyxiation collars only malfunction and kill you one out of two times. Very good information to know! Or maybe Sergei just has a higher quality collar and Avram was rockin' the off-brand model?
With the compulsory naughty business now out of the way, we'll next be shifting back to the story, where people actually wear clothing. Well, okay, actually the next scene has a curious dearth of clothing as well but it's different… ah, whatever! Stick around, for more stuff involving people both with and without clothing. We're all inclusive here!
When I first tried my hand at representing the male ejaculate in 3D, I had no idea what I was doing. Reader feedback was uniformly negative. “It looks like slugs on her face,” they would say. “Learn how to splooge!” and “You suck!” and “I'm gonna find you and cut your feet off!” But I never let it discourage me. I've deep dived into the science of sploogology, and since I've received literally thousands of emails on the subject daily, I will now share with you what I have learned.
The overall distribution of splooge is not random and (if you negate the effects of smudging) tends to follow a signature pattern. The bulk of the load is delivered in the first or second discharge and leaves a distinctive linear track mark. This is called a “racing stripe” in the industry parlance. This may be followed by a few increasingly lesser ejections which, if they make contact, leave increasingly smaller and less defined tracks. The latter emissions are generally unlikely to have enough velocity to reach the target.
What happens next is interesting. At this point, there's typically not any fluid coming out, but there may be a significant amount of pooling around the knuckle area on the male actor, and as such there may be secondary splatter brought about by his rhythmic flicking wrist motion. These projectiles tend to be more or less randomly distributed, with a radially diminishing scatter pattern. Sometimes in the late stages the actor will cheat by moving in closer and try to boost his score by either flinging additional material manually or allowing it to dribble on its own through gravity, depending on its viscosity. This is dirty pool in my opinion, but it does appear to be common practice.
And there you have it: Cid's guide to face painting. Aren't you glad you stopped by today!
I've put in a petition for federal funding to continue my studies on this subject at a greater depth. So far I haven't heard back. They must be deciding how many zeroes to put on my check. I will keep you all apprised of any future developments on that front.
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