Thread "I'm running for president..." in forum "MAFIA... and other forum games"

Posted at 4:07PM, Jul. 4, 2010

The objective of this game is to make the worst election speech ever, there are no winners at this game.
Just losers.
I'll go first:

Ladies and gentle men, my name is Kroatz, as you all know very well. And I really like to tell you about ehm…
Wait a minute…
Ehm…
Nevermind. It's probably not important anyway, you know as well as I do that I on't do a single thing I promise today! So vote for me!
Kroatzfor president!

Posted at 5:07PM, Jul. 4, 2010

Hello, people of America, my name is George W. Bush Jr…

Posted at 6:07PM, Jul. 4, 2010

Hello ladies and gentle men I am running for president and these are the things I promise to do

1:make it so that your children are either forced to work on farms all day or in brothels as prostitutes
2:Homosexuals will be given the authority to make you have sex with them.
3:and as of now all of you will work in an unsafe radioactive mill for minimum wage
4:Women will be the slaves of men and stripped of the right to vote a
Finally all the money in fort knox will be used to help Tim allen make more Christmas movies (This time featuring Arnold Sawrtzenaigger)

Posted at 6:07PM, Jul. 4, 2010

My fellow Americans, as I stand here before you I'm reminded of the words spoken by my personal hero Hitler…

Posted at 6:07PM, Jul. 4, 2010

Vote for me and you can be assured That I will lower your taxes. I will not lie, and will not steal. I will make sure that there will be a flying car in every persons home, and in just three years we will have a fully built, and functioning colony on mars. I will end world hunger, and will make peace with all the warring nations. and i will do it all while playing this banjo! *proceeds to start strumming on said banjo while playing the harmonica*

Posted at 5:07AM, Jul. 6, 2010

People of America, I lost my contact lenses…
Nobody move!

Posted at 6:07AM, Jul. 6, 2010

Hola America!

Posted at 6:07AM, Jul. 6, 2010

Let me just start off by saying that I had no sexual relations with that particular woman… (points at a random female in the crowd).

Posted at 6:07AM, Jul. 6, 2010

Vote for me and you will be guaranteed a Noble President.
One with the knowledge and power to run a country.
One day your children will be living on Mars.
Your space dogs will be catching space Frisbees.
I want to be the man to bring that utopia into a reality.
One day your children will be taught about the past presidents of Earth
and they will all say. The greatest of them was President Chekov.

Posted at 7:07AM, Jul. 6, 2010

Hello Iraq! *rips off shirt and falls offstage*

Posted at 8:07AM, Jul. 6, 2010

Get in the van , I have candy

Posted at 8:07AM, Jul. 6, 2010

I am a minority.

And I accept homosexuals.

Also, I like to watch children sleep.

Posted at 5:07PM, Jul. 6, 2010

So, I'm standing there, with a box full of dolls, a rubber chicken and a bottle of vaseline!
And wait till you get this:
I LOST MY HAT!

Hahahahahahahaaahahahaaah!

Posted at 6:07PM, Jul. 6, 2010

I admit I had sex with my opponents wife, and my campaign planner, and my secretary, and many various hookers at "Bob's Triangle Club, come get a triangle today!", AND my wife. But since I have admitted my rwrongs, you all forgive me and vote for me out of pity that I am now such a mess.

Posted at 8:07PM, Jul. 6, 2010

Fellow Americans, I am a crook. I had sexual relations with that woman (Points at random woman in the crowd). I did use the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence as toilet paper. I support rejoining Great Britain, and then invading the remaining states that used to be part of the British Empire. I support unshielded nuclear reactors and fossil fuel power. I will lower the miles per gallon minimum rating to a whopping 0.0000001 MPG. I will change everybody to the SI standard units, then switch back to piss everyone off. I will require our military to wear pink uniforms with bright yellow daisy shaped buttons. I will require the women of our military to wear the "Slave Leia" outfit as seen in Star Wars Episode VI. I will change our national anthem to "The song that never ends." I will change the motto to, "We don't give a chicken shit." Our currency will be matched to the Japanese Yen at a rate of 10 Yen to 1 USD. I change our name to the United States of Who Fucking Cares. Our naval ships will all be named USS Salsa. I will encourage illegal immigration and bend before any pressure from any foreign power. I will sever all exports to all nations and increase imports by 1000%. All Blacks will become either Rappers, Athletes, or leeches living off of welfare. I will require all shop owners to speak the language of their patrons, but no one has to learn english when becoming a citizen. I will trade our entire gold reserve for a Cadberry creme egg from the UK. And finally, I will dissolve Congress and the Supreme Court and crown myself as Emperor Salsa I Ruler of the United States of Who Fucking Cares for Life. Vote for me America. I will be the worst President in History guaranteed.

note: I DO NOT support any of the above. I just decided to go all out and see how bad I could make it.

Posted at 9:07PM, Jul. 6, 2010

I wish I could say my fellow Americans but I can't for I am Zombie Hitler. So I'll just say this heil myself.

Posted at 8:07AM, Jul. 13, 2010

This message is brought to you by Al Quaida explosives…

Posted at 4:07PM, Jul. 31, 2010

My fellow Americans, I think terrorism is a good thing for this country. It will keep us all on our toes.

Posted at 7:07PM, Jul. 31, 2010

Man, who here is sick of having an N-I-double-G-you-know-what-I'm-talking-about in office? I know I am.

or

Hello nation, I'll be running for president, why? Well because I have always wanted to jerk it in the oval office.

Posted at 3:08AM, Aug. 1, 2010

*stumbles onto platform…glasses fall off….stumbles around for glasses for a good five minutes…puts them back on and runs up to the podium, nearly breaking her ankle with her freaking ridiculous wedge boots*

You didn't see that, did you?

Good…I didn't think you did, cause I'm not wearing any underwear and all…so uh, yeah…*ahem*

ANYWAY, I have to say that I'm sorry I'm so late, you see, my Poochie sweetie had a nasty little stomach bug and I had to drive him to the vet and everything…

Oh! There he is, up on the screen there, *points at big screen* isn't he just the most adorable thing? Poor baby, yes, mommy loves you…

Yeah. He's a sweety isn't he? *looks back at crowd, doesn't notice that a new picture has popped up on the screen*

*giggles* Oh, sometimes I just want to eat him all up he's so cute, yes I do, and just play with him and love him until the little guy dies! But dogs like this lil guy are nothing but dogs, and they have nothing to do with Presidency.

So, back on topic now, I wanted to reference a qoute from a personal hero of mine, Adolf- *turns back*

Uhh….wait a minute you guys….I swear I didn't mean HIM…this is a just a big mistake, that's all! *looks at guy in charge of computer and mouths: 'I'm gonna KILL your white ass'*

Who I was really talking about was a guy named Adolfo Moreno:

There. And you know what he said, that is the driving force of everything I do? He said: "I'm sorry, but I think all of you are screwed."

And that is just sooo true isn't it? It's like me walking into the mall without looking behind me to see—-

*keeps babbling about stupid things for hours, making a very stupid speech and one of the worst fails in the history of epic fail*

Posted at 7:08PM, Aug. 11, 2010

…What? Seriosuly? You morons seriously elected me to be President? What kind of numbskulls are you? I regret everything I do a second after I do them, I edit my posts too much, I stink at social interaction… I mean, you fools might as well just go invite the hostile Martians to have a party in California! God! I can't believe how STUPID you sheep are! Gah!

…Oh, um, yay patriotism. You can find my fanfics at Rentoraa-The-Luxray at deviantArt. Save the environment.

Whoo.