Welcome to the Pizza/Taco war. Choose a Side and Do your assiment.
Pizza side: You are a commander with 25 men. They all have Pepperoni blaster. Your side also has 2 pizza blade shooter.
Taco side: You are a commander with 25 men. Your men all have Taco grenade Lanchers. You also have one Burrito scud missiel.
Both sides mission is to wipe out the other side. Explane your actions and I will rate them later. Good luck.
Edit: Don't copy anyones post. You will get NO points from that.
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The Pizza/Taco war.
I arrange my battle-hardened pizza-teers into a cordon around a bridge in an abandoned town private ryan style. Lie in wait from shelters, rooftops, and windows.
We wait until the unsuspecting taco scud and Tacodiers are on the bridge. I order the Launchers to cut loose their withering blades of destruction from their hidden locations. The scud takes direct hits and explodes spectacularly. Half the Taco platoon is instantly wiped out. Then 25 Blasters begin to pick off the survivors and stranglers.
When the carnage dies down we execute the survivors pilfer their gear, supplies, and weapons, then move to our next prepared position. We leave the bodies on pikes as a ghastly warnings along the road to the bridge.
My taco troops launch the burritos scud missile to no avail. "Damn it missed.." says one of them. For his ignorance and pointing out the obvious I pop him one in the dome. Down to 24.
I have 6 flank the right side and 6 flank the left, each platoon with a Taco Grenade launcher. They stand in position and wait for my signal.
I gather the remaining twelve and we crypt walk to the battle line. There we begin a complicated dance routine and join in song. 5 men get picked off during this process. But it distracts them long enough for my side flankers to rush in and begin taking men out. They take out 17 all together not including 3 of themselves. My men are incredibly stupid. Finally the rest of us begin to teabag the survivors. They are all so very disturbed that they take their own lives. As do my men. The last remaining survivors are I and my first Sargent. I look to the sky and tell him. "Bring me that horizon." I then proceed to pop him in the dome. I want no survivors telling of what transpired.
we've been had I think to myself. Flush with success and laden with pillaged supplies My Pizzateers have returned to the base to find death. I stand on a hill half a mile away and investigate the carnage using powered optics. Smoke rises weakly in a few spots. Dead pizzateers lay heaped unceremoniously in a pile near one of the ruined gates.
I count 25 Taco troopers, a cleanup crew nothing more. So they didn't know we were missing. It could still be a trap. I turn to look at my men and shake my head slowly.
It could be a trap I tell them. We move on to site B and hope for survivors, leaving the tacos to their prize… for now. To be sure I order the men to set the captured grenades as jury-rigged mines along the narrow rocky pass. The only pass out of the valley. They may hold the base but they won't be taking anything home. Not even their lives
I'll post.
The Taco Scud is pretty useless, so I'm just gonna leave it behind. It'll just slow my unit down anyway. My group of highly trained tacoteers get into position, and spot some guys laying traps. It is foolish. There may be one way out of the valley, but there are more than one way to get in. I order my troops to start sniping the enemies position with their leauchers. Not a single enemy survives. But in the wake of the carnage, one of the launchers explodes, killing one of my men.
Dead, they're all dead. I thought despairingly Only this morning they were all alive and victorious and now they're all dead Curses we'd been so eager to get home we'd neglected the rear guard. We had walked into a a trap after all.
I will have vengeance! Upon hearing the explosions the cleanup group from the base had foolishly all come to see if they could assist. The fools rushed right past my hiding place oh the rock ridge above them. They came too late to add their launchers to the foray but they did come to their funerals.
As intended they blundered right into the first grenade trap. Their faith in their rear-guard had allowed them to think it was safe. Those who were not cut to shreds by the shrapnel and explosions were immediately buried in the ensuing rock slide.
Even in death the Pizzateers guerrilla tactics won out. I quickly used my blaster's sniping attachments to pick off the stragglers. The other Taco unit was more wary. They quested forward with a four man squad first. They hit the incomplete second grenade trap.
The enemy commander cursed not having his burrito scud. Slowly the rest of the Tacodiers moved to close the gap. I cut loose with my disc launcher. Men went down but it was hopeless I was trapped. Then a strange thing happened. Their heads exploded. They had been Pizza blasted from behind.
Bravo company had come home from patrol.
I returned to the Commandant a broken man. Having lost my whole unit mostly due to my own homicidal tendencies.
Upon my return a second platoon awaits. These men highly trained professionals. Not like the astounding group of retards handed to me before. "You did an amazing job General" the Commandant said as we headed out for our next mission. Little did he know the truth.
We set up base that evening and prepped the gear. Today we were out for pizza sauce.
Upon day break a small unit of only two secured our perimeter as I and a squadron of four flanked the right side of our unsuspecting opposition. Jens was sweating a bit until I handed him the Taco Scud. He was gonna be our big gun so it only made sense to give him our biggest. Suddenly shots fired randomly into the air from our perimeter as the astonished Pizza Nazi's looked in amazement. Were we fighting ourselves? Had reinforcements come? Or was this an elaborate dis.. Too late. Before they could say extra anchovies Jens let the big bad fly and hit dead on target. They're base was destroyed along with a good portion of their men but we weren't out of the woods yet. So into the com I yelled "Beta, counter target!"
Suddenly from beneath the brush directly to the other side of our opposition the rest of our platoon came rushing in guns a blazing. Pepperoni and sausage flew everywhere as they tried to scatter and fight back but all in vain. They had been out played. Their general ran for our base. Apparently assuming we had all left for the sweep.
Little did he realize the two men who had secured the perimeter and made the distraction that cost him his base were waiting guns loaded. The captured him and once I arrived the torture began. We melted his cheese and stuffed his crust till he talked. Now we had both bases, a full platoon, and inside info on the Pizza's recipe.
Things were beginning to look up.
On one side is the pizzateer, the other side Tacodiers. I remane alone in this war. Wanting to join neather side. The general of the Tacodiers had just came to me and Told me oto join him or die. For that I killed him. "I will join no side" I said to his corpes. His troop show up just then and Attacked me. I doger there attacks and slay them all. My red armor soked in blood, I walk into the sunset. Who am I you Ask? I'm Zero.
My story! Woooo!
Poor bastards I thought as the commander of Delta company came staggering down from the pass over the dead bodies. The passes were completely blocked now nobody was getting through until engineers and heavy equipment could be air lifted from Pizza Prime.
He reached me and saluted. He'd taken shrapnel and we both knew he wasn't going to live out the night. Yet he stood anyway as tall and proud as any pizzateer should be.
"Bravo Commander, my unit is lost we returned from a raid at Clear Paste crossing this morning and found the base destroyed. Surveillance showed all men lost with the base getting picked over by TacoDieros. I ordered a strategic withdrawal but we were had from behind." in a lower tone he added "our traps half of the bastards and your boys got the rest." He paused for a moment. "there were no survivors, I lost all my boys."
With that he swayed and fell dead, succumbed to the poisonous TacoTanium metal in his wounds. Solemnly we gathered the dead and laid them to rest. The taco we left to the carrion birds, their supplies on our backs.
Waste nothing is our credo, it all goes in the pizza pie that is our deadly trade.
A pie we served hot at the Taco base that night. The Burrito Scuds we had found came in handy for a surprise attack. You could almost smell the tomato paste being spilled from the unwilling veins. The captured munitions were spent and I ordered the men to finish it off. Two companies of Tacodieros dead in their sleep. Fried by their own damn weapons. Tacos were so damn messy with their toys. Serves them right. 50 dead tacos and no casualties, three injured. It almost made up for the loss he felt for his comrades whose dog tags still jangled in his pocket. Some of the Taco's supply truck were still operational. By the next morning we were back within safe territory, and I gave my sad report to the regional command.
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