Thread "Bad Webcomics Wiki vs Harkovast" in forum "Hall of Shame"

Posted at 1:04PM, Apr. 13, 2010

(The fact this wiki exists means it was just a matter of time before Harkovast got a mention.)

Background

Have you ever played a bad rpg with shitty animation and thought "oh man, I wish this was more boring, and also a webcomic!" Well count your lucky stars, because Harkovast is here to plug that hole. Complete with long, drawn out subplots, boring characters, and more races than any story could possibly need, including one called "The Nameless," which isâ¦. yes, I believe that's a name, reading this comic is about as enriching as unclogging a toilet with your bare hands.

Downfall

To say that Harkovast has a downfall suggests that at some point, it was riding high - this is sadly not the case. Right away we are hurled into this over-dramatic story which throws too much at you too soon. On top of that, the art is awkwardly proportioned, the action looks wooden, and the dimensions are more often than not totally off. While the art gets slightly better as Harkovast progresses, the story just devolves more and more into the equivalent of an author jerking himself off with grandiose storylines that try way too hard to look cool.

Story and Plot

As told by the front page on the comic itself:

All of the nations of the West have fallen to the Enemy. Soon He will put forth His strength again.

Gotta love the random capitalization! It helps things to seem more important. Not the enemyâ¦ the Enemy. We're not Fucking Around here, this is Serious.

He will strike next against the southern nations of Vellastrom. These noble peoples have battled the Enemy for generations, but now they squander their strength on petty squabbles over land and power. All the time they grow weaker while the Enemy gains strength with each passing day.

Look buddy, I know that you just got fired from your job of writing descriptions on the back of Final Fantasy cases, but do you really need to start off so overly dramatic? Oh wellâ¦ at least you didn't torture us with a cliched line like "The time has come."

The time has come for a stand to be made.

And now, the reader knows: "I am fucked."

It has fallen to me, Quinn-Tain of the Wizards of Eldex, to lead the defence of this world.

The defence ofâ¦

Wait for itâ¦

HARKOVAST

Great. I can't wait. Could that have possibly been more bombastic and pompous? Dear lord, is it okay if I read the comic now? Or maybe you have another novel you'd like me to read first!

Art review

Harkovast is hand drawn and colored, and by the looks of it, it is the work of an arthritic 96-year-old mongoloid. I have never seen such a poor understanding of dimensions in my life. What kind of a hero has such awkward limbs on an equally wooden-looking body? The faggy kind, that's what. If I was some sort of mythical creature (or worse yet, a helpless character in the world of Harkovast), I would rather be raped, tortured, and burnt at the stake than be saved by some limping, clunky freak who looks like he was drawn by a retarded infant.

Another big problem is the fact that with such rigid looking characters, the fight scenes are invariably going to look like shit. What the hell is happening here, is he trying to fly? And for that matter, what the hell is this?? Are they running? Doing the Charleston, or some bizarre variation on a Riverdance? The dimensions often look odd too, like here. It's fortunate that the page is actually titled "Kick," because otherwise I would think that he was on a Back to the Future hoverboard!

Writing review

One thing the author is a bit too predisposed to is stopping everything so that we can listen to someone blab on and on about some aspect of the story's background that he couldn't think of a more imaginative way to introduce. Every time a new character shows up, they have a story that goes on forever. It isn't long before "hey, a new character" becomes "OH THANK GOD, THE NEW PERSON HAS SOMETHING TO SAY." And seriously, they do not shut up.

If you've ever played an rpg, you know the drill. Oh no, the world's going to end, we have to bind together and save it. Usually there's some interesting twist as to WHY the world is in peril, but here it's just a matter of stopping THE ENEMY, with no clever twist in sight. It's fight scene, then "BLAH BLAH BLAH," then more fighting, and then more "oh shit, the reader should know what's going onâ¦ I'll just have one person say everything and have their dialogue occupy the whole page."

Author biography

Mr. Daniel Stribley says very little about himself in his available biography, other than to talk about how "epic" and "elaborate" his comic is. He also proudly displays evidence of his winning Drunk duck's Best Anthropomorphic Comic award last year, which is about as prestigious as an award that comes with a card reading "World's Greatest Grandpa."

Conclusion

Unless you're into the idea of alternately trying to decipher poorly drawn action sequences and sitting through meaningless blabber, Harkovast is most definitely a comic you should avoid.

Posted at 1:05PM, May. 1, 2010

Is "faggy" a word?

Yet another mean spirited webcritic, as if there aren't enough of those to go around. Though I do like the "Back to the Future hoverboard" thing. You should add those.

Posted at 6:05AM, May. 2, 2010

Mean spirited reviews are like the mortar that holds the webcomic community together.
That and inventing new insults.
Like faggy.

Posted at 12:05PM, May. 2, 2010

Even though i have to agree on small points (like slightly confusing action scenes) I honestly didn't get why everything else was so bad… arthritic 96 year old? WTF man! i color way worse than that by miles.

If the story's so complex for him, why doesn't he go read "Green Eggs and Ham"? or is it still too much for him? perhaps.

And so what if you show off your awards a little bit, it's a great accomplishment, so is "world's greatest Grandpa", cuz you at least have gotten laid to get kids and your offspring were awesome enough to get laid as well to get kids, too.

also, i think you should look at my blog on my DA, it makes a reference to those wiki bastards

http://rpg-grenade.deviantart.com/journal/31580913/

Posted at 12:05PM, May. 2, 2010

All publicity is good publicity.
I just wish more people out there hated Harkovast enough to link to it!
(I suppose they could love it enough to link to it as well, either works for me.)

Posted at 1:07PM, Jul. 10, 2010

I bet Barry had a hand in writing that review.

Cause he would do that.

Posted at 2:07PM, Jul. 10, 2010

Barry will pay…oh yes….Barry will pay!