Basically, I have a comic in the works called Radio Ransom, that I'll be publishing sometime soon. I asked Pastel and Kitty to make me a poster, and they so kindly did. Now this is where I need your help. Basically the poster was designed to look like a movie poster, and now I need bad reviews to quote and plaster all over the poster.
Basically, review it like a really trashy film and post it here.
First place wins a fanart of choice from me, their review quoted on the poster and put into a mock "press" extra page on the comic.
Second gets their review quoted on the poster and put into the press section.
Third will have their review in the press section. Closing date is 3rd of March
Heres the poster, have fun!
The names at the bottom are intended to be really obscure/unfitting/stupid, but feel free to refence them in your review or whatever :p
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Avalon's Bad Review Contest!
HEY I GOT ONEyou kinda got it, needs to be longer like a review, and given a worse score
"Radio Ransom is a fitting name. Because, the only reason I would watch it again, is if my daughter was held for a ransom of £10,000, and I could make £10,000 by watching this again. 4/5"
:D?
Kinda hard to write a scathing review without knowing what it is about, but I tried my best.
Many laud Jonny Depp for his performances in movies like Pirates of the Caribbean, Sweeny Todd, and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it is obvious that his glory days are over. Depp stars as the character Farnesworth in this cut-rate production. His acting brings poor to all new levels. His supporting cast of other has-beens don’t offer him much of help for it. The caliber of this movie as such that the guys from Mystery Science Theatre 2000 would hate to even use it. It is not worthy of their interruption and silly redubs. The costumes were poorly done including a pink wig that looked like it was stolen from the TV series, Alias. The designer also didn’t know what they were doing when they made an orange jumpsuit like shirt for a character with pale blond hair. The orange gave her a very flushed out appearance and burned my delicate eyes through the whole movie. The woman was well endowed, but I couldn’t even tell it was a she from the very butch haircut. The backdrops were an even worse story. It barely looked like it was worked on. Painted pieces of cardboard are NOT back drops. The in car scenes also featured the classic face movie in the back ground and was very poorly green screened. The special effects in this movie can make the ones in Power Rangers look stellar. I wish movies were allowed a negative score, but I will have to go with .5/5. Don't waste your money on this one.
Hey Faggot! I bet you like to cut yourself hu? Well guess what, you masochistic hoodlums, Radio Ransom is like cutting your wrists with razorblades soaked in salt water!! Now just by looking at the poster you can tell this comic is trying to be 'different'. It stars a blond nicotine addict, a brown haired man who looks like he just killed three men with his bear hands (not bare hands mind you), and a pink haired girl. I'm not even going to start on how much I despise pink haired girls. Just know this: A LOT. I went into this comic with very low expectations, yet this comic still managed to make me cry. In the bad way. I honor any man who can read a panel of this comic and not throw up everything he has eaten since 1987. This comic is worse than the Holocaust. I mean at least the Holocaust had Jews! I was originally going to rate this comic on my normal scale of one to ten, but decided that was too hard; I shot my brain because of this comic, I forgot how to do those negative thingies. So instead I'm rating this comic as red on the Homeland Security Advisory System. I have to say, that before this comic, I thought that the prostitute toddler opium ring was the worst thing in this glorious nation, but now… I just don't know…
Avalon studios are once again trying to wash their hands off their rather bloody history of poor and sub-par films, such as 'Congo Jack's Fury' and 'Sega Genesis Evangelion', and this time, they have gone all out with their new film 'Radio Ransom'. With Guy Ritchie at the helm, Kojima writing and big names like Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp mixed into the fray, it is clear that all cylinders are firing. But is it enough to turn this studio - and the heads of critics - around? Sadly, the answer is no. A big no. The film is littered with poor cinematography, poor narrative and a questionable choice of location. I'm sorry, Mr Ritchie, but a car chase does not work when it's two porcelain ponies on a merry-go-round. Kojima is not up to his A game either, with a plot twist as predictable as a fight between a new born kitten and a machete wielding gorilla. That shoots lasers out of his eyes. The film's taste in humour is laughable, throwing every possible reference to pop culture at you in a desperate attempt to get you to at least chuckle, while a ham-fisted delivery from the cast makes you apply palm to face. The acting is forced and wooden, and it's oh so apparent that they see this film as a paycheck. The only saving grace of the film is Liam Neeson, who provides an subtle grace and elegance during his scenes, which, as I attempt to explain without spoiling, involves a giant robot, and army of vultures and the Hustle. It is evidently clear that the money that went into this project has only served to be used for some other purposes as corners are ruthlessly cut. This becomes clear when the later scenes are entirely done with sock puppets. But not even sock puppets can save this film. A shockingly bad plot, surprisingly shoddy acting and a lack of directive serve to create a film with the majesty and finesse of a broken lawnmower. Better luck next time Avalon Studios. Two out of five stars.
Radio Ransom: a movie with an alliterative title that can only be described with this alliterative phrase: abhorrent atrocity. This movie is the epitome of everything wrong with the world today. Though it features an all-star cast including the Curious Case of Benjamin Button's Brad Pitt and Pirates of the Caribbean's Johnny Depp, the film fails to really flesh out any type of character, instead opting to cast the actors as hey-look-at-me-I'm-too-cool-for-school big shots. As seen in the infamous movie poster, the characters are so busy trying to look "cool" that no one who would even want to watch this movie could find any really redeeming qualities about them. Also, what was with the hair? I mean, this is suppose to be a movie, not a Saturday morning cartoon fresh off a Japanese cargo ship. As for the story, there is none. The scenes in the movie show absolutely no coherency with each other, plot holes and contradictions are ubiquitous, even video equipment can be seen throughout the film. If this film was trying to push the envelope, it was pushing it in an entirely wrong direction. It is obvious that director Guy Ritchie was trying to make a film targeted towards attention-deficit "tweens", but I can honestly say that even that demographic is too mature for a movie so bogglingly unnecessary. In the end, Radio Ransom, with all its actors and special effects, can hardly compete even with the most mediocre of Hollywood's D-films. Even I Know Who Killed Me utilized some type of visual symbolism, and I remember chuckling once at Norbit. The only thing Radio Ransom can look forward to is a surefire win for Worst Film during the Golden Raspberry Awards (I'm sorry, but it's really that bad).
0 out of 5 stars
Radio Ransom is a movie best forgotten, the plot makes about as much sense as a gazelle in a theme park and after the first 10 minutes into the film I started to contemplate suicide. I pictured my brains being blown out onto the person seated behind me and staining the chairs.
The acting in this film was a disgrace to humanity, I honestly believe that this film would have been better if there was no actors all together, instead just shots of scenery.
This Joe Alves fellow is someone I would like to have a word with, and then slowly beat to death for his terrible skills with directing. I've heard that a cabbage shares most of its DNA with humans, I assume he is closer related to the cabbage then the rest of us.
Like with most movies it has its good points, for this it was then end in which I ran out of the cinema as fast as my legs could carry me, I think I pushed someone over on the way.
I would recommend to anyone intending to see this film to instead stay at home and take apart their toilet and try to find their last defecation, that would be more enjoyable.
Overall I give this movie no stars, absolutely none, this is a first for me, but this film really deserves none.
Radio Ransom suffers the fate of many a comic based movie, it lacks any sort of substance and fails drastically at everything it tries to do. The story seems to be entirely missing as it skips from scene to scene in a fidgety manner, the characters have no originality or feel they are stereotypes upon themselves with bland lines and no real emotion what so ever. The action which should have been the main attraction was beyond lacking poor editing and choppy filming makes the "action" seem more like random body parts in motion towards no particular cause or justification. All in all this movie is a shitfest which is better unseen, an incoherent story choppy action and cheesy dialog that reminds of times better forgotten makes this movie a long stretched nonsensical adventure of mediocrity.
Ok contest closed yesterday, though I would've liked it to have been longer, seeing as how I forgot February only has 28 days (hurr hurr) but anyway.
I guess I can announce the winners! It was kinda hard to pick my favourites but it HAD TO BE DONE
3rd Place: BffSatan
2nd place: Humorman
1st place: AQua_ng
Well done you guise, and everyone else, be sure to check out the comic when I put it up here (hopefully a few days) to see if it really is as bad as you predicted :D
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