Dear Santa,
Damn you, jolly bitch. All I wanted was a paint job for my car! Last THREE years that's all I've wanted! And what do I get? Clothes! I don't need no stinking clothes. I give them to the poor every year, more and more. I see what you're trying to do, while my car rusts away to nothing. I hate you. You come on my roof with clothes this year you get the Texas treatment with ol' Matilda.
Srsly. Paint job for Rally or your wife. Your choice.
Love,
Juno
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Comic Talk and General Discussion *
Letters to Santa Thread...
I had no idea Santa would be in this forum, I must respond. True evil can only happen when good men do nothing…
Dear Mr Claus,
Could you please explain your reasoning behind the coca cola sellout?
I mean, you used to always be dressed in greys and browns. And then suddenly, early last century, it all changed. Suddenly it was all red and white, suspiciously very close to the time coca cola began to market its image in those colours.
And then you started those big, full page ads in Time magazine, suggesting of all things, that you would prefer a bottle of coke instead of a nice glass of milk.
How much did they pay you, dear Santa, to promote this sugary poison to our children, the very same children you say you love.
And what about the toys? Plastic copies of machines of death. Violent video games that only educate in the killing arts.
Are you sitting back right now on some tropical hideaway while your minions distribute these seeds of voilence in our young while your coorporate money fattens your bank accounts?
Shame on you, Mr Claus!!!!
Dear Santa…
For once I have no idea what I really want for Christmas. Probably because I'm finally 18. I haven't even tried beer before, so beer would be nice. But then again, it smells of urine. Maybe something else. A Nintendo DS would be good. They have some good games.
Also, like every year, chocolate is a must. And also, Santa, I would like chocolate. i think I said that already…yea I'd like some chcolate…oh wait, I did say that already!
I like kittens. Lots of kittens.
Inclosed I also have letters from my cat and dog…
Meowth (cat):
Well, I don't really ask for much. Some food would be nice. Preferably jelly meat. Oh, and you know those diet pills on the informercial?
Chichi (Dog):
BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLL! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNEEE! TOOOOOOOOOOOOYYYYY!
Sincerely yours,
Bimbo Zombie
Dear Santa,
I going to try this one more time, because I'm really sick and tired of asking for the same thing year after year. Only to be disappointed. Now when you appeared in that Chronicles of Narnia movie a couple of years back. You seemed to have no problem giving deadly weapons to children. CHILDREN!! You gave a frickin' dagger to a little girl crissakes!! So if you can give weapons to kids, why is it such a problem giving me the death ray that you can fire from a satellite in space? All I ask for is the power to smite my enemies, James Bond-style. Don't let me down this time, fat man.
Thanks,
Joe
For anyone who read the post before I jsut major-edited it, good4u!
Dear Santa,
I want a DS LITE, a tablet, something above a Windows 98, and the newest Photoshop.
Give me it all, or your going down. I've got my hand on the shiny red button, and I don't think your little stunt in 2003 will work now.
Just try me,
Zad
Dear Santa, this year I want pretty girls dressed as Santas, You know the outfits, A pair of shorts.
Oh and heres a list
I want for Christmas
A Partridge in a Pair Tree
2 turtle Doves
3 French Hens or somthin..
You know I don't even know the song so get me some pretty girls dressed in the santa outfits.
Maybe a Bunny girl or 2.
A pirate hat and some boots, I've been needing those
A new PS2. Mines getting tired. Not one of the skinny shits either
A way to end world funger(Yes Funger)
Oh and Santa, I want pure Uranium, Yes pure Uranium none of that water down lead crap. If it's been through a half life I don't want it.
And santa, why don't you ever call about those negotiations? Ms. Claus is getting lonely, and the real question is if you look like you're sixty somthing why does Mrs. Claus look 20, and have elf ears? You know what you can keep your presents I'll just keep her.
Anyway onto diffrent matters, that shipment of Christmas Panties I ordered for the girls, where are they? I mean you pride yourself in being the most efficent delivery service this side of the Milkyway, yet It's been 3 christmas's and I had to buy them those cheap ones from Walmart, Do the elves not make them? There must be some female elves up there. Last time I Came to visit you had at least 50% the work force being female, And they weren't even short. They were drop dead hot.
Anyway. Santa send me an Email and we can negotiate future Business
Sincerely
Zeph
Dear Santa,
I have reconsidered, and after much debating with your top elf, I have decided to spare the North Pole and all its wickedness if you bring me the following items:
-A lot of water ballons. Lots and lots and lots of water balloons.
-A water ballon canon. Hellz ya.
-A maroon Nintendo DS Lite. Don't give me red, you lazy jerk. I want maroon.
-The keys to the sleigh.
And that's not all. Your top elf should bring you a more complete list, no less than 5287935378 pages, in Arial, sixe 14 font. If I do not recieve all my gifts, I am going to blow your fat butt to Kingdom Come, and then I will find you, and get you again.
Zad
P.S. We're out of chocolate chips here, and everyone is freaking out about staying fit, so it's sugar cookies and slim milk for you.
P.S.S Go west at the gate, not east like last year, unless you want a repeat of last year. East is OFF LIMITS.
Dear Santa,
I don't want anything this year. I do have a request though. I want you to give my bosses a lump of coal. And not a lump big enough to make a profit from. They deserve it after passing out a memo that everyone will be working double shifts during the holidays while he and his wife will be taking a nice tropical vacation on a faraway island somewhere.
A "not so postal" worker
Dear Santa,
I hope everything is well. I remember when I found out you developed diabetes (at the same exact time as my dad! Isn't that a coincidence, Santa?), so I'm making sure to set you up with some sugar-free cookies. I rent a house with some friends now. I hope you've made note of my change of address. We actually have a fireplace here, but it's gas with no chimney, so I'll leave the key under the mat like we did at the old place.
I understand you can only deliver material goods, but if you could somehow get me a good job… (Any positions available at the North Pole?) Barring that, I guess you could just hook me up with some cash to live on for the year. And maybe the same thing next year? I like my free time, but it sucks to have no money.
Besides that, I ask only that you don't give me any boring grown-up practical gifts like clothing and office supplies. I'd prefer candy and toys. A Wii would be nice. Oh, and I still want that puppy, but if you bring me a puppy, you'll have to see fit that I also get the wherewithal to take care of him – money and a note to my landlord – I'm sure he'll understand. If he doesn't, maybe you can get me a new house and/or landlord too.
I'm still waiting for that handsome, intelligent, sensitive, employed, straight, single guy I've been asking for. (I'd be happy with 5 out of 6.) Let me know if you see one anywhere. I always thought that all the mythical figures might know each other.
Yours truly,
Vickie
P.S. My brother doesn't mean to be naughty. He'd like a Wii too, so if you have a tight budget, we can share.
Dear Santa.
I have your wife, if you ever want to see her again, deliver the following items to my current place of residence (I'm sure you know where it is):
-12 Cases of Grenades
-11 Cyborg ninja assassins
-10 Million dollars in non-sequential bills
-9 Hundred brainwashed super soldiers
-8 Elf Slaves to cater to my every whim
-7 Giant robots
-6 James Bond-esque torture devices (except far more escape-proof)
-FIIIIIIIVE GOLDEN RIIIIINGS! (in the form of brass knuckles)
-4 Orbital death lasers
-3 Kick-ass ultra-futuristic jet plances
-2 Secret Fortress Headquarters in the middle of a jungle or something.
-And a genetical-enhanced partridge in a genetically-enhanced pear tree
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