So recently, I've hooked up again with my ex-gf from my first years of college (like 10 years ago?) and we're really trying to make this work, she's given up her choice of drugs, coke and crystal and I've given up smoking pot and drinking, we even go to couples therapy now. Apparently, the therapist wants us to share what we've been up to for the past ten years to bring us closer and I really want to tell her everything, but back when we were dating, she was pretty conservative, I mean sex in dark and missionary only conservative, and now she used to do drugs like it was going out of style, so I know shes changed but I'm not sure it's enough to share all the shit I've done during my 20's. So I'll gonna list some stuff here and just tell me if I should keep any of it from my gf so she doesn't leave or worse relapse into tina (crystal). I trust you guys since I used to hang here and you seem pretty normal, plus u don't know me which is a bonus because I really wouldn't share this with my closest friends in fear of a loss of our friendship over disgust.
1) Back when 9/11 happened I signed on to the marines because I was a "brown person" and I wanted to prove I wasn't a terrorist (stupid right?) which was especially hard in NYC.
2) I've killed anywhere between 5 to 25 people, most were college kids from Syria who considered themselves "freedom fighters" and came to Iraq to help the Taliban and such.
3) I once knifed a guy in the arm and then in the neck when he tried to ambush me in the top of the stairs in a building, I felt nothing when I killed him, it haunts me to this day not because it was a bad thing or how bloody it was, but because I felt nothing when I killed him, no regret, no satisfaction, no fear, no remorse, nothing at all.
4) I bummed around Europe on a Gizzer 750 for 4 months afterward, I've traveled through all of Europe, but I've never done any touristy things, I didn't even talk to anyone there, just rode.
5) I've slept with anywhere between 25 and 45 hookers in Amsterdam over the course of 9 weeks, I was high or drunk the entire time and went on this "vacation" with my best friend from High School.
6) Whenever I have nightmares about Iraq or a panic attack when I see a gun or a middle eastern male, I take some xanax or smoke some pot, neither were prescribed to me.
7) I haven't seen my parents since I was 18, (I told her I was an orphan), they weren't bad people, just too normal for me, I wanted to be "wild and outlandish, different" so I left for NYU and worked for tuition.
8) I once banged a post-op transvestite when we were dating, I was really drunk so I don't remember it but it happened.
9) I was a carny for 1 season, I did more drugs in those few months then all of the rest of my life put together.
10) I can't see myself ever having a family with you, I love you but I'll never have kids.
11) A girl I once banged and got pregnant had an abortion because she was about to undergo chemo for malignant breast cancer, my "daughter" was 22 weeks old.
12) I was once in a cult, right after the marines, it was the only time that I felt that I belonged.
13) I did work for a private military company for a while, it wasn't particularly eventful but I hoped I would die every day I got into that truck, just put me out of my fucken misery and end all the bullshit I had immersed myself in.
14) I've wanted to marry you since the day I met you, and felt that my purpose in life ended when we broke up.
I know these are fucked up but these are some of the large ones I want to get off my chest, some make sense, others don't but I find relevance in all of them and I want it to be known.
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Should I share this with my gf?
My goodness. My heart and prayers go out to you and your girlfriend. :(
It's good to see you've turned your life around or at least are on the road to doing so. Don't be afraid to tell her, I'm sure she has some big secrets of her own as well. Honesty will only make your relationship stronger.
And welcome back!
i'd do it,but without deep detail.she'll probably ask you things anyways i guess. but tell her you killed people over seas,you dont need ot go into numbers and dont tell her about the knifing or anything in detail like that if you dont need to. if that's hard for you to talk about as it is with most people i talk to [grant that's not many paople] then she'll proably understand that's a hard subject for you and you just want to put it to rest. just let her know, and about the hookers too. that's gonna be hard. but tell her you had sex with some prostitutes when you were over there and it's behind you. the cheating on her with a transy one is gonna be REAL hard. if it ends up you freak out and dont tell her, you make sure you NEVER do that kinda shit again,got it?but if you wanna get it off youre chest then be straight forward. that's going to be personal. for all you know, maby she's done something too,but you might have to shut yourself off emotionally for that one to tell her.i've hard to tell my lover a few things in the past. not that bad but things, and when i did, i had to take a deep breath and just kinda step out of myself,like it's automated almost.
and the marriage one. that's very sweet. but there are things that're gonna have to settle in between the both of you after you talk. i think you should wait a little bit for that one. im not saying be cold either. affection will be really important now. but let all this settle first. instead,maby say you love her and you want to change for her [provided only that you do] hell. if it does feel right maby you will want to ask her,but i'd just wait till the airs cleared a little bit more.
i wish you both the best, sincerely.
What she doesn't know can't hurt her. Sounds harsh, but I'm not of the mindframe that one should be obligated to share every detail of their life- especially painful ones- with a lover/loved one/significant other.
It sounds like these are things you might need to work out on your own before bringing them to her anyway- have you considered therapy for yourself in addition to the couple's therapy?
Keeping all of your problems inside does more harm than good in the end. It's damaging to ones spirit and can literally swallow you whole eventually. I would say start off with the things you are most comfortable with talking about first. If you plan to someday marry this person, you may want to come to terms with these past issues and maybe gradually tell her as time goes by…Though i'm not sure how she would react to your past sexual behaviors. Hopefully she will be thankful that you were honest enough to tell her these things. Just don't ever do them again, and be sure you make that clear to her x.x.
I think the best thing for the both of you is to maybe consider seeking counseling. Noone is perfect, we all do things in life that we later come to regret.
I agree that it sounds like you have a lot of stuff you need to get off your chest and deal with yourself. Don't go dumping all that on a loved one – especially not in one fell swoop. Unburdening yourself on a therapist might be a good idea. You won't have a relationship at stake while you loose your burden and become comfortable with it.
Eventually, I think you *should* feel comfortable discussing these things when they come up and the time is right. Keeping secrets from each other is bad for a relationship, but dumping all your baggage onto each other is no good either. If the conversation goes that way, you shouldn't conceal things, but if you are really desperate to get it off your chest and unburden yourself, I really think you should talk to a therapist.
Two little things, though.
~Discuss #10 before you get very serious. Otherwise, you could cause yourself and her a lot of unnecessary grief. This isn't a "past" issue, but a "future" one, and couples really need to know each others' goals and expectations.
~You should both be tested for STD's. No, you don't have to tell her specifics about your past. It's something responsible adults should do. (I would think this whether you've had one partner or a hundred.)
So recently, I've hooked up again with my ex-gf from my first years of college (like 10 years ago?) and we're really trying to make this work, she's given up her choice of drugs, coke and crystal and I've given up smoking pot and drinking, we even go to couples therapy now. Apparently, the therapist wants us to share what we've been up to for the past ten years to bring us closer and I really want to tell her everything, but back when we were dating, she was pretty conservative, I mean sex in dark and missionary only conservative, and now she used to do drugs like it was going out of style, so I know shes changed but I'm not sure it's enough to share all the shit I've done during my 20's. So I'll gonna list some stuff here and just tell me if I should keep any of it from my gf so she doesn't leave or worse relapse into tina (crystal). I trust you guys since I used to hang here and you seem pretty normal, plus u don't know me which is a bonus because I really wouldn't share this with my closest friends in fear of a loss of our friendship over disgust.
1) Back when 9/11 happened I signed on to the marines because I was a "brown person" and I wanted to prove I wasn't a terrorist (stupid right?) which was especially hard in NYC.
2) I've killed anywhere between 5 to 25 people, most were college kids from Syria who considered themselves "freedom fighters" and came to Iraq to help the Taliban and such.
3) I once knifed a guy in the arm and then in the neck when he tried to ambush me in the top of the stairs in a building, I felt nothing when I killed him, it haunts me to this day not because it was a bad thing or how bloody it was, but because I felt nothing when I killed him, no regret, no satisfaction, no fear, no remorse, nothing at all.
4) I bummed around Europe on a Gizzer 750 for 4 months afterward, I've traveled through all of Europe, but I've never done any touristy things, I didn't even talk to anyone there, just rode.
5) I've slept with anywhere between 25 and 45 hookers in Amsterdam over the course of 9 weeks, I was high or drunk the entire time and went on this "vacation" with my best friend from High School.
6) Whenever I have nightmares about Iraq or a panic attack when I see a gun or a middle eastern male, I take some xanax or smoke some pot, neither were prescribed to me.
7) I haven't seen my parents since I was 18, (I told her I was an orphan), they weren't bad people, just too normal for me, I wanted to be "wild and outlandish, different" so I left for NYU and worked for tuition.
8) I once banged a post-op transvestite when we were dating, I was really drunk so I don't remember it but it happened.
9) I was a carny for 1 season, I did more drugs in those few months then all of the rest of my life put together.
10) I can't see myself ever having a family with you, I love you but I'll never have kids.
11) A girl I once banged and got pregnant had an abortion because she was about to undergo chemo for malignant breast cancer, my "daughter" was 22 weeks old.
12) I was once in a cult, right after the marines, it was the only time that I felt that I belonged.
13) I did work for a private military company for a while, it wasn't particularly eventful but I hoped I would die every day I got into that truck, just put me out of my fucken misery and end all the bullshit I had immersed myself in.
14) I've wanted to marry you since the day I met you, and felt that my purpose in life ended when we broke up.
I know these are fucked up but these are some of the large ones I want to get off my chest, some make sense, others don't but I find relevance in all of them and I want it to be known.
check your private messages.
dime,
Like everyone else says, don't lay it all out at once. We all have to let our crazy out a little at a time. ;)
All kidding aside, you said you guys are in counseling, right? My advice would be to have a one-on-one with your counselor (without your girlfriend) and see how s/he can help you approach bringing up that stuff in sessions. Multiple sessions.
Since it sounds like she wasn't exactly a saint either, she should be able to understand most of the things you've done, since everything you've done fall under some category of post-traumatic stress disorder… i.e. going wild after you're discharged from military, self-destructive abandonment, etc. It seems you're both willing to understand that the other person was going through a self-destructive phase of his/her life, and now it's behind him/her.
However, I don't think you need to go into such details with her. As long as it's known that it's all history, done and over, and won't rise up again to bother either of you. I don't think going into sordid details ever helps anyone. Some things aren't meant to be shared, and don't need to be.
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