You eat a the said cookie after a messy break up and it is the most amazing comfort food ever and your mouth has an orgasm. You HAVE to have more. You eat every choc chip and toffee cookie you can find and order thousands more, you eat and eat getting fatter than any picture you've soon on the internet. One day you eat one too many and your stomach ruptures, still you keep eating, only the cookies can dull the pain, at least for a few moments before you die.
Start publishing on
DD Comics!
Advertise with us
MAFIA... and other forum games
How Will This Kill Me?
You take the vcr out of the basement, dust it off, and plug it in. You put the tape in the machine. You press play and sit down. The opening credits start. They end. The movie begins.
Your eyes begin to slowly melt from the sheer amounts of awful the movie produces.
MacGuyver after being locked in a room with a photocopier and some string.
You are walking down the street minding your own when there is an almightly explosion from the basement of the building you are/were passing. It takes some time but forensics finally deduce that the one and only MacGuyver was trapped in the basement and he made and explosive device from a photocopier and string. Sadly he didn't realise it was lexmark and they are far more explosive than the cannon photocopiers he was used to. They managed to identify macguyver from he dental records… for you they just read the name on what was left of your y fronts.
And how will this kill me?
Upsetting the mods by necroposting
And how will this kill me?Product Placement sees your post. It infuriates him so much that his pure Viking blood is stoked to boiling point and causes him to spontaneously sprout a thick black beard 2 and a half feet in length.
Upsetting the mods by necroposting
He even shows it to Bjork, but she only manages a wispy foo-man-choo…
Anyway, they grab Gullas and the three of them don polar bear shirts, reindeer trousers, steel helmets (WITHOUT ANY HORNS) and swim all the way across the North Sea to the UK, not stopping for breath or even to go to the toilet. They charge onto land and using their unerring sense of Viking direction (and a GPS built into Gullas's helmet), head straight toward your house with murder in their hearts and red slaughter on their brains…
Glancing out of an upstairs window, you happen to spot them storming up your street. Determined to great them with a hearty, friendly British welcome, you turn of your computer, put your trousers back on and run down the stairs… not noticing a small toy truck sitting forlornly on the 3rd step down.
Your bare foot lands on the poor toy, which skids out from under you, upsetting your balance and pitching you head-first down toward the front door.
…When Bjork, Gullus and Product Placement finally reach your house they find you sitting up rather awkwardly with both your head and your trousers on backwards.
Not breathing.
-A very annoying laugh.
You move into a new apartment and it turns out that the walls are waifer thin and you can hear everything your neighbours are doing. One of said neighbours has a really annoying laugh, and he seems to laugh very loudly constantly. You set doen to record the quackcast and BWAHAHAHAHAHA! interrupts you every few minutes, after a while this really gets on your nerves. When you sleep he wakes you with his boisterous laughter, when you are watching "adult" clips online his laughter steals your thunder. After few weeks it becomes too much and you decide to have it out with your all to amused neighbour. You bang on his door and start shouting without even taking in the fact he is eight foot tall and has arms larger than you are. When you realize your error he looks at your terrified face and laughs really loudly. So loudly it makes your head explode scanners style.
A c- in mathematics.
Yet another 4 AM, love/hate encounter between Oz and sleep. His solid and practiced logic battled renegade brain sparks, sparks insufficient to keep muscles from occasionally pinging with fatigue, but bright enough to prompt one more "what about" and then another, and another . . . Oz felt like an observer to his own mind as curiosity and practicality duked it out, all while the last sounds of night whispered on a pre-dawn breeze. A world within a world within . . . when he gradually realized one sound in particular was not of the night. He heard it distinctly now, a very annoying laugh, but what was its source? And how could such a deep and significantly nasal emission have the ripple of scale that this laugh did? It wasn't stopping, and now there were snorts added in. Gasping, belching snorts among the hyena-like squawks that together climbed the lower keys of pitch into a range of shrill that made one's hair stand on end.
It wouldn't stop, but it must. Where did it come from! Oz began to stagger as he endeavored to search his room for the source. The laugh continued, soaring into the upper decibels of screech. "Unbearable Noise!" was Oz's last thought, as he stood in front of the mirror to see his own head thrown back as he created the ultimate, glass-shattering sound.
public education
Edit: Genejoke!! Well, you were quicker on the draw, but funny how there's similarities.
OK, I'll make another attempt later
Have you seen our school system nowadays?! This thing is deteriorating us to imbeciles. And you know what they say about imbeciles: They have to go into pornography. And you know what they say about people in pornography: The get AIDS. And you know what they say about AIDS: RENT. And you know what they say about RENT: It sucked! And you know what they say about sucking: Blowing! And you know what they say about blowing: The wind does it! And you know what they say about the wind: It blows you off a cliff because you were two dumb to be paying attention that the car was so close to the edge because you were busy going all bowchikawowwow with the guy you picked up on the street (or girl, I'm not picky) and then he told you he was gay and then he started singing and then he sucled and wind and falling an
A
a
a
a
a
a
a
a
a
a
a
a
a
a
a
a
a
a
a
a
a
a
a
a
a
a
a
a
a
a
a
a
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! BOOM
Stupid statements like that^
…ANUS
(and that)
Genejoke, a respected scholar if not student in his day, was taunting his mate about being nervous over an upcoming math exam. "Basic algebra!" laughed G., "I haven't looked at the stuff for over a decade and I Could still score higher than you, you piss-pot historian!"
"Well, we can test that theory, when you're not so pissed."
"We can test it any time you like, pissed or not" exclaimed G.
"Brilliant. Since the prof never re-uses the same exam, I'll ask him to keep an extra copy for you to take after the class does."
And so G. took the exam an hour after his mate did, and the professor kindly graded it with the class's work, curious about the outcome having heard about the wager. And the scores: the mate received a "C" and Genejoke a "C-".
"Ha!" laughed the mate, "wanna pint while you eat your words?" Not amused, G. grabbed his graded test and stuffed the whole of it into his mouth, never considering the affect acid-free paper has with saliva production. (Really; who would have imagined that an exam would be copied on acid-free paper). The paper would not mash, but instead became a pulpy film that blanketed - well, you can imagine.
Genejoke choked on his C-.
To get this back on track I better do l337s
You are in the car with some idiot making a stupid statement like that when he drives over the cliff and despite the horrendous crash you survive. In your jubilation you point at his corpse and repeat his stupid statement in a very loud silly voice. the sound on your voice dislodges some loose rocks above, on falls on your head squishing it like a melon.
A rabbit dropping.
I got a double helping!
We should all be part of a writing masterclass ^___^
Genejoke was happily pottering around in his garden, quietly digging away… he'd gathered quite a pile of fresh, young, bright orange carrots.
–
Huge engines throbbed sending competing vibrations through the plane and setting Floppsy's big incisor teeth on edge. His ears chafed, uncomfortable under the tight leather flying cap, his sight milky behind the foggy green tinged glass of his protective goggles.
Captain Moppsy began to furiously pump his right paw- the signal for the chaps to get ready for the big jump.
A rough grating sound as the big double doors in the belly of the plane slid open. The noise from the engines grew intolerable, inrushing air freezing furry faces.
The brave bunnies of the 14th airborne bounced in formation out of the dark cavernous interior, toward the bright opening.
Peter leapt first, then lance corporal Sooty, Bunnikins Paddy-Paws III after them.
Floppy's heart in his mouth, bowels tight, he jumped.
The sound of the big plane faded quickly, replaced with a hurricane rush buffeting his narrow head. Clenching tummy gave up the struggle and brave Floppsy released a brown pellety bombardment. -Luckily rabbit flightsuits don't include bottoms.
Feeling lighter and fresher, Floppsy yanked the parachute cord. With a solid, clothy bang the chute opened above him. The world grew suddenly quiet. There was nothing left to do now but enjoy the view and wait till the ground caught up with him.
He could see Bunnikins swooping down in an awkward arc toward a tangle of power lines. There was Peter Rabbit's parachute draped messily over a copse of trees, and there a lance corporal Sooty shaped hole in the top of someone's roof…
Bunnikins glided to a safe landing in the middle of a lovely green park. He gathered his chute, stripped off his flying gear and started burrowing furiously, Capitan Mopsy's pre-jump briefing firmly in his mind. This would be a glorious invasion for bunnykind!
–
MEANWHILE, Genejoke paused in his busy gardening to look up at the pretty clouds in the clear blue sky and wipe the sweat from his brow with a grubby soil stained hand.
But hark. What's that funny whistling noise?
Looking up higher Genejoke fancied he saw a speck of some sort… Getting larger? The whistling was certainly getting louder!
No, it's not a speck… lots of specks?
His mouth dropping open in surprise staring straight up into the sky, Genejoke could only blink in shock as the brown fusillade hit him full in the face. Frozen pellets smacked against cheeks and eyelids stingingly, hitting the bridge of his nose and making his closed eyes water, one pinged off of his teeth, ricocheted off the roof of his mouth, bounced down his throat and lodged in his windpipe.
Genejoke lurched over, tried to draw in breath, but none would come. He coughed and spluttered, trying vainly with his fast failing strength to dislodge the foreign particle… but to no avail.
Sight and sound dimmed and slowly faded altogether, so he was deaf to the sound of lance corporal Sooty and failed chute crashing through the roof and top floors of his house and blind to the arcing flash as Bunnikins Paddy-Paws III connected with nearby power lines, blacking out the entire superb, even as Genejoke's own life was blacked out.
—Here ends Genejoke, killed by a rabbit dropping—
(two choking deaths in a row… Poor Genejoke needs to learn to keep his mouth closed)
A stain
Ozone was busy cleaning his kitchen one evening. After scrubbing the floor for an hour, he noticed the single persistant stain that had refused to come up. Grabbing a mop, a rag, and several bottles of clorox, he prepared to get to work.
Meanwhile, the Great Stained Ones, Those of Much Greasiness, They Who Know No Cleanliness, looked upwards through the portal they had finally opened. They knew not where it led to to, nor did they care. Escape from their cold dark realm was the only thing on their collective mind.
Ozone leaned over the stain and pumped the clorox bottle several times when he was suddenly rewarded with a spray of black, oily sputum to the face. He recoiled and wiped his eyes as he stepped back. When he could see again, he didn't notice that the stain had suddenly grown much larger and was now rippling like water in pool. All he noticed was the large, black dripping THING standing before him. As he met the creature's gaze he grabbed the sides of his head and screamed as his mind began to unravel and he fell to the ground, his brain leaking out of his ears and nose. The Great Stained Ones had claimed their first victim; their invasion of our world had begun.
Techno Music
Dave7 was minding his own business when suddenly he saw a flyer advertising a disco later that very same evening. As a recovering disco fanatic from the 70's Dave7 was actually torn, should he try to keep himself free and clean from the disco divas or dominate the dance floor like in the old times?
So he decided to blow off some steam and head outside for a quick walk. Little did he know that he unintentionally walked right to the building were the disco was being held. Oh the great marvelous base melodies, accompanied by sassy fiddle sound and the simple yet complicated 4/4 bars were filling Dave's senses. He then lost all control, suddenly ripped off his clothes and was suddenly wearing John Travolta's iconic white suit from Saturday Night Fewer. He stormed the club, took control over the whole dance floor, while the sound of "More Than A Woman" made all the women in the club loose their senses.
As the song concluded and Dave7 admired his workmanship, the dj put on some kind of abomination. Four beat computer-generated, 120bpm drums followed by deep unorginal baseline accompanied by some kind of multi tracked synth-sounding melody and autotuned singing by this eastern-european singer filled the floor. People started dancing like crazy, lazors bursting through the ceiling, fog machines going wild and horrible amount of glowsticks suddenly appeared. Dave7 was so shocked that he froze in his place, tripped and stomped by the ecstasy craving crowd to his untimely death.
Candle wax
"I dare you to drink all this candle wax!" Said BffSatan.
"You're on," retorted Gullas before drinking all the candle wax.
Not only was his insides burnt, and his digestive system was completely blocked; but the hardened wax clung to Gullas's stomach and intestinal walls, ripping them apart.
Gullas bleed to death from the inside.
A can of ferrofluid.
After a heavy night drinking you drink a can of Ferrofluid by mistake and it strangley tastes awesome. So you drink more and more until you are sweating the stuff.
Later that day you go out and make the mistake of visiting a science expo where many super powerful magnets are in use. At first you feel slight tugging from within but as you get closer to the pulling starts coming from several directions and the very quickly increase in intensity.
Within seconds you are pulled into unnatural shapes by the ferrofluid within, the sound it makes is very squishy.
An iphone.
While conversing happily on his iPhone, Genejoke strolled down the street with a happy spring in his step while he gaffawed on his cellular phone. Whilst walking and talking animatedly to his friend over the phone, a gang of thugs come up and surround him. He blinks, lowers the phone and says: "UH…. hi?" The gang of thugs are obviously bad, their trousers are hanging around near their knees, and from somwhere ominous music is playing. One of the Gangsters points to Genejoke's iPhone and says: "Chu gonna gimme that without a fight, or we gonna have to take it off yo' corpse, brah?"
Little did the gagnster know that Genejoke was actually a highly skilled martial artist, and was in fact, the lesser known Perriwinkle Power Ranger. His eyes narrowed, he dropped his iPhone onto the pavement, he took up a stance and launched himself at the gangsters while they made various cries of "AWW BRO, MAH THREADS BRO, YO' TRASHIN' MAH THREADS!"
In a flurry of fists and cheap 70's sound effects, four gagnsters lay in a crumpled and bloody heap on the pavement. Genejoke turned to walk away, but slipped on his fallen iPhone, smashed his head on the sidewalk and died. He was reported to have said: "I… I should have gotten myself a cover for my phone.. .that way… aaagghhh… it wouldn't have been such a dangerous slipping hazard…"
a turtle
you bought a turtle called Brian, Brian was the best turtle you ever had. But one day Brian was mad, you forgot to give him his lunch and he wanted to make sure, you'd never forget his lunch ever again. you where cleaning the outside of your precious swimming pool. Brian crawled out the door just as you finished cleaning. Brian grabbed a broom which was in his mouth and walked towards you. The broom handle caused you to fall back into the pool and you smashed your head on the swimming pool floor which caused you to become unconscious and you drowned.
a naked one eyed clown
You're at your little brother's birthday party and a clown shows up. You suddenly realize that it's really the re-animated corpse of John Wayne Gacy who for some strange reason is wearing an eye-patch. Leaping into action, you grab the nearby baseball bat that was to be used to break open the pinata later on in the party and begin beating the criminal zombie clown in the head repeatedly until he finally goes down. You stand over his corpse, breathing heavily out of exhaustion when the body suddenly stirs and the evil undead clown bites you in the foot. You resume smashing with the bat until there's nothing but a red pile of slush where his head used to be. It's then that you realize that your feet are growing larger and your skin is assuming a pallad white color, and you realize with horror that you've been infected. Panicking, you try to run into the house to grab the revolver you keep in a lockbox under your bed so you can put a bullet in your head before it's too late, but your feet have grown so large that you can't move fast enough. You collapse to the ground and your heart stops beating. Minutes later you rise up, the first of the turned of the zombie clown apocalypse.
A hypercaffienated Lewis Black
Your buddy scored tickets to a comedy festival headlining Lewis Black. Even though you can recite every Black routine word for word, you are psyched, thinking that he might have come up with some new material.
But when the night arrives and you're in the first row, having skipped every other performance so you can get a great seat, you find Black is going through his oldies-but-goldies. Still, you don't really mind, and you decide to go ahead and recite along.
Black hears you, but doesn't realize it's you. He's totally jet-lagged from this tour, and is running, literally running, off the fumes from nine Red Bulls that he downed in the last hour and a half. He thinks his mouth isn't keeping up with his mind, and he tries to get the two into gear. First he runs back and forth across the stage, but that doesn't work.
Then he starts speaking really fast, but you know it so well, you can keep up the quick speak. So then he starts whipping his microphone around in a giant circle, almost like he's going to lasso something.
And he does. He loses his grip - the mike cord flies out into the audience and wraps around your neck. Lewis can't believe that he lost his mike, so he tugs on the cable, and breaks your neck.
ouchies - but it was fast.
Tinnitus
Tinnitus is annoying, acute tinnitus is fucking annoying. You get severe acute mega nuclear tinnitus and there are no words to describe how horrid it is. More accurately there are but you cannot think of them as the turbo nuke tinnitus turns your brain to mush and it dribbles out of your nose. Without the brain doing its thing your body stops breathing. THE END.
The drunk duck awards,
After so much hard work and time being pumped into his comic Dave7 is nominated for the drunkduck awards best overall webcomic. The outcome is close but thanks to one vote he loses to you. His mind now broken he finds your address using his super computer hacking skills and sends you a "Here's to Your Victory" muffin. Which being a starving artist you eat heartily…but little did you know he filled the muffin with a hamster who upon reaching your stomach claws his way out of the muffin and chews his way to your heart and then gives it the longest hug in the world cutting off the blood supply to your body.
My toothbrush.
The bacteria from your mouth gathers on your toothbrush, which is never properly clean. It mutates, creating a supervirus that mutates the people it infects, and you die by being eaten alive by what used to be a male stripper, a Elvis Impersonator, and a catgirl (in both meanings of the word)
A wet paper bag.
Advertise with us
DDComics is community owned.
The following patrons help keep the lights on. You can support DDComics on Patreon.
- Banes
- JustNoPoint
- RMccool
- Abt_Nihil
- Gunwallace
- cresc
- PaulEberhardt
- Emma_Clare
- FunctionCreep
- SinJinsoku
- Smkinoshita
- jerrie
- Chickfighter
- Andreas_Helixfinger
- Tantz_Aerine
- Genejoke
- Davey Do
- Gullas
- Roma
- NanoCritters
- Teh Andeh
- Peipei
- Digital_Genesis
- Hushicho
- Palouka
- Cheeko
- Paneltastic
- L.C.Stein
- Zombienomicon
- Dpat57
- Bravo1102
- TheJagged
- LoliGen
- OrcGirl
- Fallopiancrusader
- Arborcides
- ChipperChartreuse
- Mogtrost
- InkyMoondrop
- jgib99
- Call me tom
- OrGiveMeDeath_Ind
- Mks_monsters
- GregJ
- HawkandFloAdventures
- Soushiyo