here's one. there was a messenger who had to deliver a gift to a town one day away by monday. he needed rest so he waited 6 days (monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday, saturday,)and left on friday. how is this possible]Monday is his horse.
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Comic Talk and General Discussion *
Tell us your favourite riddle/joke
friday's his horse not monday but youre very closehere's one. there was a messenger who had to deliver a gift to a town one day away by monday. he needed rest so he waited 6 days (monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday, saturday,)and left on friday. how is this possible]Monday is his horse.
A man comes home to find his wife naked in his bed, panting as if she has just been having sex with another man.
He runs to the window to see a man running down the street, he grabs the fridge from the kitchen and throws it at him.
Two men arrive at the gates of heaven. St Peter asks the first man how he died.
'I dont know, I was going for a run around the block when I got hit by a fridge and ended up here' He replied
St Peter asked the second man how he died
His reply was 'I was hiding in the fridge'
Favorite Riddle:
Saint Ive's
As i was going to Saint Ive's I meet a man with seven wives
Each wive a seven sacks
Each Sack had seven cats
Each cat had seven kits
Kits, cat, sacks and wives,
How many were going to saint Ive's?
[spoiler=Answer]2401, or a lot.[/spoiler]
Flip Wilson Joke:
There's a lady on this train, and a drunk guy comes on and says the truth.
"Lady, you have an ugly baby!"
So, an imminent conflict occurs,
and the conductor comes back to the car,
and asks what's wrong. The woman says,
"This man insulted me," pointing to the drunkard.
The conductor says, "Well, I'm sorry for your troubles, but here's a ticket to the dinner car. And maybe we can get a banana for your monkey."
No. As previously stated, the answer is 1. The first sentence gives it away… "As I was going to St. Ives." Everything else is just window dressing, the other people mentioned are irrelevant.As i was going to Saint Ive's I meet a man with seven wives
Each wive a seven sacks
Each Sack had seven cats
Each cat had seven kits
Kits, cat, sacks and wives,
How many were going to saint Ive's?
[spoiler=Answer]2401, or a lot.[/spoiler]
Here's one of my favorite jokes:
Heaven was getting a bit full and so St. Peter informed the group standing before him that to get into Heaven, you needed to have a great story. So, the first man stepped up to him and said,
"I had just come home late one night and went up to the third story master bedroom where I saw my wife covered in sweat, naked on the bed, and panting heavily. I saw the balcony window was open, so I rushed out and saw a man hanging on to the ledge. I smashed his fingers, causing him to drop, and just to make sure that he was dead, I dropped my large safe down on him, but in the process, I slipped and died."
St. Peter thought it was a pretty good story, and so he granted the man entrance. The second man stepped forward and told him,
"Well, I was with my girlfriend and doing aerobics naked, when I spun too quickly, stumbled out to the balcony, slipped, and grabbed the railing. Out of nowhere, some crazy idiot smashed my fingers and I fell. By the grace of God, I survived, but then a safe landed on my head, killing me!"
St. Peter thought that was a pretty good story, and so he granted the man entrance as well. The third man come to him and started,
"Picture this…I'm sweaty, naked, and hiding in a safe…"
Here's one of my favorite riddles:
Ten fish I caught without an eye
Nine without a tail
Six had no head, and half of eight
I weighed upon the scale;
No one who can tell me when I ask it,
How many fish are in my basket?
this is something my father wroter once
once upon a time, Jonas was at work and his cellphone rang, this being a very casual every day thing he answered the cellphone and his wife was on the other line !
Wife: Jonas I´m tring to do this puzzle, but I can´t do it ! nothing fits together and I can´t see what I am suposed to do !
Jonas: calm down honey, now tell me, what is on the box ? is there a picture?
Wife: yes !
Jonas: ok, now tell me what is on the picture!
Wife: it´s a big rooster
Jonas : … honey, put the cornflakes back into the box
Favorite Riddle:
Saint Ive's
As i was going to Saint Ive's I meet a man with seven wives
Each wive a seven sacks
Each Sack had seven cats
Each cat had seven kits
Kits, cat, sacks and wives,
How many were going to saint Ive's?
I already knew that one, and I was going to answer it but I see that you already told everyone.
Okay, so my favorite riddle:
In marble halls as white as milk,
Lined with skin soft as silk,
Within a fountain crystal clear,
A golden apple does appear.
No doors are there to this stronghold —
Yet thieves break in and steal the gold.
My favorite joke:
So Joe got home from work one day and told his wife, Sue, "I stuck my dick in the pickle slicer."
"Why did you do that?" His wife asked, and he shrugged. She dropped the subject.
The next day Joe came home and said, "I got fired because I stuck my dick in the pickle slicer."
"What happened to the pickle slicer?" Sue asked.
"Oh, she got fired, too."
Dang, you're too smart for me, Croi. (did you get that from the dragonology book?)
Oh, I have another joke: I got it from my friend's brother
It's a blonde joke, so blondes, look away!
There's a blonde, a redhead and a brunette. They are climbing up a magical mountain that can grant your every wish, and they get to the top.
The brunette went to the edge and said "I wish I could be a butterfly, so I could fly far, far away." He turned into a butterfly and fly away.
The redhead went to the edge and said "I wish I was a bird, so I could fly through the clouds." He turned into a bird and soared into the sky.
The blonde tried going up the edge but tripped over a rock and said "Oh crap!"
Then he turned into a piece of crap and fell down the mountain.
A man dies and goes straight to Hell. Upon arrival he is told that he can go to Capitalist Hell or socialist Hell. Wanting to make an informed decision, he convinces Satan to let him speak to the doorman of each. First he goes to Capitalist Hell and is greeted by Ronald Reagan. After looking over the line of people waiting to get in he asks, "What do they do to you in there?" Reagan replies, "First they skin you, then they pour boiling salt water into wounds for all of eternity." Satisfied, the man goes to Socialist Hell and is greeted by Lenin. He notices the line is at least three times as long and asks, "What do they do to you in there?" Lenin responds, "First they skin you, then they pour boiling salt water into wounds for all of eternity." The man is confused and so asks, "Why is this line so much longer?" Lenin replies, "There another razor shortage and the gas is out again."
Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
[spoiler]Because your mom's a filthy whore[/spoiler]
Here, I have one for ya'll:Isn't that just, you know…tomorrow? Doesn't matter what today is…
Today is Friday, all you have to do is figure out what day it is in the riddle.
''The day after tomorrow is the night before the morning after.''
Solve it, I dare ya.
Sunday, maybe? If not, I shall pick at random for six more times.Fireworks, FTW!!!!
Screaming, soaring, seeking sky
Flowers of fire flying high
Eastern art of ancient time
Name me now and solve this rhyme.
Thank you for helping me not feel as nerdy B)Dang, you're too smart for me, Croi. (did you get that from the dragonology book?)
Actually, the egg riddle is one of the riddles from The Hobbit.
———
At death a man stands before St Peter and is welcomed. St Peter informs him that all new arrivals get a tour of Heaven before being shown into their own respective faith's idea of Heaven.
The man walks with an angel to a door that says "Catholics". Peeking in, the man sees a bunch of people laughing and dancing. The angel tells the man, "Because they were so strict in life, they get it easier here."
The next door they arrived at was marked "Amish". Inside people were drinking and having wild orgies, going totally wild! "Because they couldn't do anything when they were alive, they get to do whatever they want up here."
Walking down a bit further, the man and angel come to a door that says "Christians". Looking in the man sees they are all sitting around quietly, not saying much. "Because they got to do nearly whatever they wanted when alive, they don't do a lot here."
The last door they get to is marked "Mormons". "Shhh, we have to be quiet," the angel informs him, "They think they're the only ones here!
Here we go:
Because I am by nature blind,
I wisely choose to walk behind;
However, to avoid disgrace,
I let no creature see my face.
My words are few, but spoke with sense;
And yet my speaking gives offense:
Or if to whisper I presume
The company will fly the room.
By all the world I am oppressed;
And my oppression gives them rest.
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