Bravo adjusted his pillow in the foot locker and pulled out a book. "I was hoping I'd get written out of this plotline." The book turned out to be pretty interesting as it was a World War II history that supported all of Gullas' ridiculous claims.
Meanwhile bakc in Iceland El Cid realized the plans about the margarine had fallen through and he was stuck with a queen of Iceland that couldn't manipulate frozen water though Hippie Van did great work raising rabbits and decorating VW microbuses. She started an entirely new industry that would solve all of Iceland's woes. Iceland would become the new home of the Easter Bunny. Between the multicolored vans and the rabbits it was a cinch.
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Comic Talk and General Discussion *
WHAT' HAPPENED WHILE I WAS AWAY? -new DD Quackcast community Soap! Feel free to join in ^_^
It also just so happened that Hippie Van was able in her position as queen of Iceland to put together a great creative team to build a wonderful flying, floating rainbow colored VW hippie van. It had great rainbow colored folding wings that looked like nothing so much as bat wings and propellors and an engine that went "chitty-chitty-bang-bang" just because Hippie van liked to put the movie's soundtrack on the CD player while driving.
On a whim she decided to visit Duckam City because she wanted to see how Product Placement's medical career was going and to find out what had ever happened to Gullas.
so Hippie Van was flying overhead in her "mean green peace-dealin machine" when suddenly a gust from Ozoneocean's fart shot up into the crosswinds and set her engines on fire like a match to a fart…which i guess is what it was. Hippie rockets outa control with cartoon like buldgy eyes and screams "OOOHHHHHHHH BBBLLLEEEEEPPPPPP!!! (yes,yes edited for the podcast)and crashed into the duckham tavern, just barely able to crawl away from the wreckage. she coughed "why've you foresaken me…john lennon…" and passed out from awesome overload. Skool scoffed at Ozoneocean and said "that's it you're banned." Ozone waived his finger in the air at her in the most flamboiant of fashions and said nuuuuuuu-uh!YOU are!" Skool waived HER conjoined butt twin at him and it said "no YOU are!" this went back and forth like this for a while as Rockulilly still in her nurse's get up came in and scraped Hippie van together and brought her not back to the hospital, but to somewhere else. it's part of her covert operations.
meanwhile NickyP hipstered his way back into the plot and just as Tantz Aerine said, he could sense the gallons of Ouzo on Pit d'arc and knew instantly this was a dire situation because it ment she couldnt reach it under all the bad ass armor, which must be the key to whoever's telling her what to do. Pit d'arc must have access to the Ouzo to regain her ultimate glory: Pit d'arse. but just as he was musing to himself how he could help unlock this brilliant spectacle, the entire party haulted suddendly in supersticious terror as Rockulilly hurried across their path, and everyone knows its bad luck to cross the path of a rockulilly with a crashed Hippie. as it turns out though Rockulilly was heading right to the evil hang out they were heading towards.
Harkovast sneared with lines of slobber erupting from his puss (mouth, perverts, he's a big tabby cat) "that Hippie isnt reading Harkovast!I'LL KILL YOU!!!" and strode off waiving his sword in the air murderously and the others followed because they should anyways.
Gullas realized this was the end of Iceland unless he could track down Rokulilly and save his queen from her vile clutches and her evil plans because he needed her in his vile clutches for his evil plans.
Meanwhile Kroatz had finally gotten into surgery and Product Placement was nabbed in the broom closet by Houseof muses and replaced by Roy Duncan. Roy Duncan was now committed to turning Kroatz into something Frankenstein would be proud of. After he all he had loved joining Skoolmonkee and Jillyfoo together. Ironscarf had told him how inspiring he had found The Human Centipede. Roy Duncan looked around the operating room for someone he could combine Kroatz with. That was when he heard the page to the other operating theater.
There on the table was the broken body that he immediately knew to be the faux queen of Iceland Hippie Van. He told Rokulilly to wheel her into the other room with Kroatz.
"Houseofmuses get on the roof and fly the kites! Rokulilly turn on the Telsa coils and spark generator thingees it's time for another mad scientist operation! Co-joined butts! Ha you haven't seen nothing yet!" Lightning flashed in the suddenly darkened sky.
Bravo pulled himself out of the laundry bin in the wash room outside the operating theater. He had fallen asleep in the footlocker reading some incredibly dull and unlikely World War II history. Then his pillow had slipped and when he woke up he found himself in this laundry bin in Duckam General Hospital. He shrugged that's what you get for messing with time and relative dimensions in space. Any little hatch or cubby hole could lead somewhere completely unconnected.
He gestured to a young man reading the latest issue of Big Bosomed Babes Magazine featuring their exclusive spread on Pit_face following her surprising win in that swimsuit competition against Seventy2. Abt_Nihil looked at the disheveled man crawling out of the laundry with no surprise. He had been wondering how Bravo would get back into the story.
"Im not getting back into the story Abt, you take care of this whole surgery thing with Roy Duncan, I'm sure there'll be some cool stuff for you to get into. Then you'll have to rescue Pit-face from a confining suit of armor." Bravo looked up at the exit sign. "Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to follow the advice on that sign and take my leave."
"I'm on it Bravo." Abt handed Bravo the magazine. "Nicotene's already in the operating room under cover as DD's own detective."
—
I should say at this point that it is often very difficult for me not to continue the story when I have another chance to do so. Now if anyone really, really hates my contributions remember that I'm not actively keeping any of you from writing a part. I am trying to integrate previous bits and there's plenty of room in the DDiverse for simultaneous plotlines featuring them thar previous bits. So go back into the first few installments pull out a plotline and work it in.
—
"Okay time to get the Ouzo." Tantz said eyeing Pit in a way that was freaky and somehow strangely intriguing.
"Banned, banned, banned and double, secret-triple banned!" Ozone was screeching leaping up and down on the remnants of the bar. Genejoke picked Ozone off the bar turned him upside down and shook him. He uprighted him and set him down on a barstool.
"Thanks I needed that." Ozone said.
"I didn't do it for that, I did it for this." He picked up the can opener that had fallen out of Ozone's pocket.
"Wait!" Came the chorus of the co-joined Skool and Jilly-foo. "Before we do any undoing of Pit's armor we by all rights should wait for Abt-Nihil to get here. He did miss the boob-tree thing."
Abt pushed the elevator button again. It wasn't moving. He checked his watch. Time was moving too fast! This was worse than when he had to wait for the restroom behind that overly loud ninja with all those hats! Abt ran for the stairs. It was only the sixth floor. He could do six flights of stairs in his sleep. But where had these hats come from? The stairwell looked like nothing so much as a grain bin full of tribbles except it was awash in hats rather than purring balls of fluff.
Speaking of purring Harkovast lept in front of Pit. "No one touches Pit d'arc or d'arse unless they go through me first!" Tantz looked at her incredibly rare machine gun, Genejoke looked at his can opener.
What on EARTH did I start!?!?!?! O_o Ah well, when in Rome:
.
Meanwhile in a dented and charred "READ HARKOVAST" refridgerator….. in the middle of a burnt out land, Macattack emerged. Eyes red from tear stains and being knocked into an acoma for several months due to falling into a refridgerator and out of a duridgable, he had but one sentence on his frostbitten lips. "I… Can't believe…. it's not butter!"
.
The reign of the Margarine crusade had come to an end. He had nothing left to live for. Questions poured into his head. What would he do with his life? What would he tell those who followed him??? (all 2 people) How would he celebrate his birthday in 4 days?….. And why on earth was he surrounded by dead fez wearing goats????
.
With no direction, and no idea as to what on earth had happened while he was out, he grabbed a couple of cokes from the fridge (Hey I don't drink coffee tea or alcohol I have to have some vice) and walked through the battlegoat strewn wastelands. Seeking purpose, seeking answers…… seeking a washroom…
Kroatz, suffering from a serious case of outer body experience decided to try and look at naked women while he had the opportunity. He made his way to the nearest clothing store and jumped into the dressing rooms. The first two were empty but in the third he suddenly heard a voice. "There are no naked ladies here either. Let's just go back to the hospital…"
Kroatz looked back and noticed Hippy Van tied to his spirit with a small length of twine. He started shaking as hard as he could, trying to get her off and after what seemed to be an eternity he succeeded. Hippy van floated off into the distance, completely oblivious to Kroatz's request for directions.
Meanwhile, Kroatz had died on the table.
Kroatz continued on his quest for naked women and floated out into the street. He hovered for a few seconds, looking for a good lingerieshop but didn't find one. Suddenly a giant hat smashed into his noncorporeal form and Kroatz became trapped inside it. Kroatz was now haunting Ozoneocean's hat. It felt quite roomy.
Kroatz had died on the table and his sprit had flown. This would not stop an evil mad scientist of Roy Duncan's caliber. He'd reanimate Kroatz as a soul-less zombie totally integrated into the still living Hippie van! Half zombie/ half Faux queen of Iceland who's really good with rabbits.
Ironscarf puffed on his cigar. "I say," he said in his urbane British accent. "There goes mcattack looking all forlorn. Just have to pick him up." Ironscarf braked his racing green Bentley and gestured for McAttack to hop in.
"Care to make some mischief for all those goody-goody DDer types?" Ironscarf said making certain he didn't say "Goodies" as that was an old English comedy show that he wanted nothing to do with.
"Mischief with margarine?"
"With any sandwich spread you'd like my good man." He swerved the Bentley to the side avoiding yet another dead battlegoat. "Pity about the Battlegoats, I loved that fez, fluffy goat and minigun combination."
Macattack stared at his sandwich for a few minutes…. though he would never admit it the margarine just hadn't the same affect that it used to. But people still looked to him for his cause and he wasn't ready to abandon them yet. As he pondered these things (As well as how people thought he was british with a giant mapleleaf on his coat) his eyes wandered out the window. Surveying the miles of dead battlegoat littered wasteland he asked in a low voice, "Have you ever considered super sith squirrel ninjas?"
Ironscarf puffed on his cigar looking thoughtful as only an Englishman driving a classic English car can look thoughtful.
"I say, sith squirrel ninjas? A sort of Darth Hammy from that Americin comic Over the Hedge?"
"Yeah and they'd all have those double ended light sabers" McAttack replied.
"Don't think so old man, they'd merely be slicing off their own tails. Can't give rodents sharp objects you know." Ironscarf pulled the Bentley into the Duckam General Hospital parking lot and drew it up beside a camouflaged M60 tank marked with a Hellenic flag. "Ah yes, the ouzo supply cunningly hidden in the armor of that poor misguided Pit-face." Ironscarf pulled up th hand brake, dismounted the Bentley and adjusted his tweed jacket and matching tweed hat.
"Must say though old man. it's so much fun messing with the mind of such an attractive woman wot?" Ironscarf strode purposely to the emergency entrance as only a true blue Englishman can; that is as if he owns the place. "Coming McAttack old man? I've got to check on how well Roy Duncan is doing with his surgery and all."
When last we were in the inn dear audience…
"Speaking of purring Harkovast lept in front of Pit. "No one touches Pit d'arc or d'arse unless they go through me first!" Tantz looked at her incredibly rare machine gun, Genejoke looked at his can opener."
Then he remembered the sword he had taken from Pit_d'whatever the hell she was calling her self this week. Damn her memory. He took it out and waved it under Pit'd'arc's nose.
"You said you wanted to kill something? Here's your chance. Take the sword."
Pit grabbed the sword, she was not one to let a good sharp blade pass her by though she would have preferred the nasty looking machine gun Tantz had. Pit advanced on Harkovast.
Gullas as Bravo could not let this happen. He was not about to stand by and let Harkovast get skewered by the now glowering Pit_face.
She was really enjoying this. She gently stroked the tip of the sword with one slender finger. She then brought the finger to her tongue and licked it… in… slow… motion.
"I love the taste of cold steel." She took a step closer with a casual swing of her hips that had Harkovast panting with both lust and because he's a cat and that's how he sweats or is that just dogs? At this point Hark really didn't care, he just didn't want to get sliced up.
"Can't we talk this over?" He stammered.
"Sounds good to me," Gullas as Bravo and Oz chorused with Skoolmonkee and Jillyfoo doing harmony backup.
"BUT I WANT TO KILL SOMETHING!" Pit yelled, "and with all this crap about me losing my memory and wandering around in these uncomfortable if sexy get-ups I really want to just hack someone to pieces!"
Everyone stopped in their place looked behind them. Standing there were several unnamed minstrels and spear carriers who had been standing about the past few scenes looking extraneous. And so Pit-face killed Pit D'arc's minstrels and there was much rejoicing.
In the midst of the joice and celebration, Gullas as Bravo dragged Ozone somewhere they could be alone.
"So what do you want Bravo" ozone said.
"You know, you'Ve always been my favourite admin Ozoneocean-" Gullas as Bravo said with lustfull eyes, litghtly touching Ozonone's manly chest.
"Please, call me Oz" ozone said, smiling.
"my, I never realized till now how handsome you are."
"Well that might be a result my diet of Vegimate and Beer" Ozone quickly said, escaping Gullas as Bravo's clutches.
Gullas quickly grabbed ozone from the behind, their bodies close to eachother. Aroma of manly tears and sweat filled both of their senses, hearts punding. Ozone turned around and Gullas as Bravo kissed him. They locked their arms together and kissed like the whole world was burning around them… as it was doing, someone had started a fire and it quickly spreaded.
"Father please I'm happy to see you but you're getting creepy!" Ozone cried as he broke Gullas as Bravo's embrace.
Skoolmonkee ran over, which was not an easy thing to do being cojoined with Jillfoo. It sort of looked like the Pullme-pullyou from Doctor Doolittle. "Can I join in? Being co-joined and all I could use a hug from my former love and our child"
Gullas as Bravo gulped. Would she penetrate his disguise? Would he end up penetrating other things? It boggled his mind. Skoolmonkee caught Gullas as Bravo in her embrace and went to place a huge wet one on him, instead she ripped off the fake plastic mustache and glasses.
"Aha! though we've never met I didn't think Bravo looked that much like Groucho Marx!" Jillyfoo said from over her shoulder because she couldn't face Gullas now revealed as Gullas.
"I always thought he did I mean that's why we had that torrid affair" Skool said. Oz put Gullas into a headlock.
"Anyone smell smoke?" Oz said.
"No that flamethrower butt hole of yours just set fire to the table cloth!" NickyP said in wonderful voiceover. Except it wasn't because he was standing right next to them. He turned to a wall and said "Submitted for you approval, a mess of characters in search of a purpose and a plot with entangling plotlines , next stop…"
Genejoke ever practical just put his hand over NickyP's mouth. "Anybody gotta pee?"
"With all that ouzo of course." Tantz replied. Thre was a general chorus of agreement fomr all present. It turned out that no one had been to the bathroom in quite sometime including Harkovast. Genejoke pointed at the fire which had now spread to the curtains.
Skoolmonkee ambled over to the freezer behind the bar and got out a bucket of ice. She waved her hands over it and the ice flew out of the bucket, spread into a sheet and smothered the fire.
"You majesty!" Gullas dropped to his knees, "I did it all for you and the glory of your one true home Iceland!"
There was the sound of a flushing toilet and Pit_face came out of the doorway and looked aorund aghast, "What? What'd I miss this time so I can promptly forget all about it?"
All of a sudden the door burst open and Macattack (who had just run several miles by sheer willpower alone) ran into the room yelling "HISORRYIHEARDATOILETFLUSHNEEDTOUSEYOURWASHROOMOKAYHANGON!" and ran past Pitface shutting the bathroom door behind him.
After several minutes the flush again was heard as well as the washing of hands (Just because we're doing potty humour doesn't mean we aren't polite!) Macattack then emerged back into the room giving a sigh of relief. "Phewph… Man! Next time I go into acoma for a few months from falling out of a crazed cat/man's durigable in a refrigerator I'm gonna make sure I land next to a portapotty! THanks for…." Macattack stopped suddenly as he surveyed the lipstick stained Oz, the strangely dressed Pitface, the conjoined Skoolmunkee and Jillfoo, the dead minstril bodies,and the charred remains of the room. Backing slowly towards the door slowly he exclaimed "I think I know why I've been hanging out with that Ironscarf guy so much now…" and quickly ran away not even WANTING to know what just happened.
Failing to comprehend recent events professor Genejoke had a psychotic episode and began opening every jar of coffee within five miles and adding five grams of salt to each.
Elsewhere Asbin and Shastab24 worked hard to set up their cross dressers hyper market in Columbia. unbeknownst to them the EEEEVVIIIILLLLL Dark Pascual and his insidious EEEEVIIILLL gerbils were in the process of taking over the whole of Columbia!!!!! Before anyone can act the insidious EEVVVIIIILLLL gerbils have started chewing off the genetalia of every man in columbia. Hundreds of pre op transexuals rejoice at the money they saved. in a desperate bid to save Asbins manhood Sgastab24 quickly crafts a pair of wings from squished gerbils and matchbox 20 cds and sews them to Asbins back.
As Asbin ascends on his wings of gerbilsflesh and bad rock cds he sees the insdious EEEVIILLL gerbils engulf Shastab24 in search of a snack!
Turning and flying away asbin blinks out the tears of anguish as Shastab24 cries out
"fly my love! save those wonderful dangly bits!!!! the extra excalmation marks show how much I mean it!"
Asbins epic flight of freedom begins slowly as he adjusts to his new flying form. he starts to hum 3Am by matchbox twenty, before long he even begins singing. Somewhere over the pacific ocean he breaks into the chorus of the song "Unwell"
"I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell I know, right now you can't tell But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see A different side of me I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired I know, right now you don't care But soon enough you're gonna think of me And how I used to be "
So engrossed in the song he fails to notice that the gerbils flesh that binds his wings is fraying and soon his falls from the sky.
SPLASH!
yes, a sound effect to give the illusion that this thing has some production value.
Anyway moving on Asbin lands in the pacific ocean and treads water for as long as he can, unaware that the blood from the gerbil flesh has attracted SHARKS!!!
… followed very quickly by a hippotomus, a zebra, a lion, and the lemur king.
Herds of wildebeast roam the plains of the African plain along with other hooved creatures to include rhinos and others. But not usually lemurs and certainly never penguins. What this has to do with the DD Quackcast Community Soap I have no idea, but I once shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got into them I have no idea.
However, gerbils that eat scrotums had invaded Central America. Banes put down the newspaper. "Why doesn't anything interesting ever happen?"
He was then bowled over by McAttack who came running out of the stairwell some German guy who had been behind Banes in the bathroom, had disappeared into seconds before.
Machete in hand and a natty looking safari helmet on his head (that he had found among the other hats in the stairwell) Abt nihil finally stumbled out of the staircase door and into the sixth floor. Or at least that's what it looked like. It was a wide open plain with a model of a castle in the background, an inn on a distant hill, the smoking wreckage of a VW minibus and a large orange cat in plate armor pushing a mop.
"Yeah, I know what you're thinking" Harkovast said, "But that whole thing with Gullas and then McAttack running in and out, I think I'll go back to being the sixth floor janitor."
"What about Pit D'arc?" Abt nihil said.
"Yeah, yeah, she's up there. Better take this." The feline janitor handed Abt Nihil the can opener. "Poor Genejoke went bonkers, he wandered off mumbling something about salt in his coffee." Harkovast sighed as he dunked the mop into the bucket. "But with all this going on who wouldn't go crazy?"
"Indeed, " said Abt Nihil who realized that the orange tabby was mopping a dirt road.
Tantz watched as yet again everything paused until everyone in the inn could have their turn using the bathroom, and tried to use that pause to make heads or tails of what the hell was going on, and especially why she hadn't already fired her very rare and nasty looking machine gun.
When Pit Face emerged from the bathroom asking what happened while she was away tending to private business, she replied, "nothing- and when I say nothing I mean I haven't fired my machine gun yet."
Pit Face was shocked. "What!? That's heresy, give it to me!"
Tantz smirked, "I got something better." And from some corner in the inn, cleverly hidden like a point-and-click adventure game of insanity, she retrieved a slightly rusty but deadly looking halogen bar. "I think you'll like this more."
Looking to Bravo she said, "if I haven't fired my machine gun yet it means that either the writers have forgotten about it or I am meant to use it somewhere more important, like in the fight against ironscarf and whoever's stolen Pit Face's ouzo stash. We should find him," she groused as the appropriate heroically suspensful soundtrack was heard with her words.
"What's insane is that you're still trying to make logical sense of it all," Pit Face sniggered as she took the halogen bar… and suddenly transformed into Fire Fighter Pit Face of Doom.
In the transformation the plate armor vanished so Abt Nihil found himself with a can opener that was no longer needed. instead Pit Face opened her fire fighter rain coat and out fell the ouzo and gave everyone present a glimpse of her magnificent figure.
"Thanks, I needed that." Abt Nihil said.
Seventy-two jumped Pit_face screaming about the swimsuit competetion in some beauty pageant and how could Pit have used falsies like that. Seventy-2 was about three pages back in the story back when Pit had been infected in the long past boobonic plague. Since then she had lost her breast enhancement as Seventy-2 was being a complete hypocrite because he had gotten breast enhancement himself at "Bravo's Bargin Boob Hut and Coffee shop (Free Wy-fy)"
Which was where Bravo was, trying to get his business started again by putting huge billboards up on the Bravo Bug advertising his post-Boobonic plague Breast Enhancement sale. Free 12 ounce bag of coffee with every "D" cup upgrade. "Huh? cool looking but incredibly rare machine gun?" And then the billboard fell from his hands and he tingled all over. The music swelled as he looked towards Duckam General Hospital's sixth floor and realized why his heart beat everyday and why life suddenly had meaning again. He had mourned long and hard after loosing Skoolmonkee and had felt like he would never love again. Even after his wild fling with Houseofmuses in the broom closet had not fulfilled him. He wanted to be in love.
Meanwhile Ironscarf walked into the recovery room to see Roy Duncan. "Well, I say old man how did the surgery go wot?"
Roy Duncan rubbed his rubber glove encased hands in glee. "Perfectly!" He whipped off the sheet on the hospital bed. The Thang in the bed looked vaguely like Hippie van and Kroatz. Somehow Roy Duncan had combined their bodies to make one over ten feet tall with two arms on each side and their two heads jutting out of the top of their shoulders.
"What have you done to me?" Hippie van's head said. Kroatz's head said "Uhhhh, brains."
"Made you into a monster!" Roy Duncan proclaimed. "Half zombie and half faux queen of Iceland!"
Ironscarf walked around the bed and poked at the Thang with his umbrella. "Quite horrible wot, but what are we going to do with it?"
"It's got a remote control too!" Roy Duncan pulled out a silver panel full of buttons. "All top of the line components. Full Dolby stereo, a sixty inch plasma TV in the center of its chest and comes with 1500 songs preloaded and Direct TV with a Netflix subscription."
"Ah, I say so the Thang is a walking home entertainment center." Ironscarf said quite satistfied. "Honestly old man I would have preferred wood panelling to knitted together flesh."
"It's the latest look in home theater tech, Frankenstein Flesh!" Rokulily said a gleeful glint in her eye. She had been responsible for downloading the music.
Ayesinback and Banes were aghast as they looked at the video link via Nicotene, DD's own detective's cell phone camera. "The hats didn't work!" Their plan to fill all the hallways full of hats to stop the operation had come to nothing. Instead they were left with a huge milliner's bill.
Meanwhile while everyone was distracted with going to the bathroom and Tantz Aerine wondered why she had such such a wonderous machine gun, Gullas made his escape. The group was also quite distressed because the cojoined Skoolmonkee and Jillyfoo took forever in the bathroom. After all how do two women cojoined at the butt use a toilet?
RPGrenade was the assistant, assistant curator in charge of procurement for the largest and best known Ordnance museum in the world. This musuem will not be named here as unlike Batman (TM, DC comics) I don't want to get in trouble with the great military museums of the world (But they know who they are)
He was known as RPGrenade since he was the proud owner of the most extensive collection of shoulder launched antitank missiles in the world which he had proudly acquired from throughout the world and had donated to the unnamed museum for which he worked. He was following a lead he had recieved from an anonymous caller with a very thick British accent who had told himof an extremely rare Greek machine gun that had been spotted in Duckam City.
"I say, wot, you'll find a working 1938 vintage EPK Pyrkal machine gun on the sixth floor of the Duckam General Hospital." The caller had said.
"An EPK machine gun? Only a dozen or so were ever made! Only one is known to still exist and you saw it?" RPGrenade had said breathlessly. "Sure it wasn't a thompson or something?"
"Old man I know my world rare automatic weapons. I've done work for all the greatest ordnance museums and I think yours shold have this one old man." The caller than hung up. This lead could get RPGrenade promoted to assistant curator as opposed to assistant, assistant curator! He was still smarting from the disappointment of missing out on the acquisition of the Gegundus 1000 used in the destruction of the BATTLEGOAT (TM Goatboy LLC) epidemic, though he had managed to get an intact BATTLEGOAT (TM Goatboy LLC)
"Well now that's taken care of Roy Duncan, how about that Belinda Brandon movie marathen you've been promising me?" Ironscarf said as he settled into a couch in the recovery room. Roy Duncan put a DVD into the slot in the Thang's side just above the kidney and hit the "play" button.
The credits for the first film came up.
A BRAVO/BELLE PRODUCTION OF A BRAVO MOTION PICTURE
"SHUT IT OFF! I say old man, you didn't say this was comprised of movies made by that brother of mine. It'll all be tits and laser beams!" Ironscarf stood and paced around the room.
In a darkened office El Cid pressed "pause" on his remote looked away from the 100 inch TV screen he enjoyed as Prime Minister of Iceland. "And what's wrong with tits and laser beams?" He pressed play and went back to watching Attack of the Robo something or other (to avoid having to sue myself over the misuse of my own tm)
Meanwhile in Iceland, Rokulily was finishing a new classical masterpiece about muffins and puffins.
"Oh I'm sure it will help the doctor out with his diabolical work" she cleafully chirped as the sounds of pastry filled the ears and nostrills of nearby henchmen and Zombie-Queen Hippie.
Gullas entered the ceremonial throne room, were Rokulily played her piece "In the Summertime I Like Killer Dolphins Wearing Pink Skirts, On the Outskirts of the County" for the newly turned Zombie royal.
"My Queen!" Gullas said as he strolled forcefully down the hall.
"Brains!" replied zombie Hippie van.
"It has been done, lord Ozoneocean has now been struck with a terrible incestious thoughts about me posing as his father."
"uh, braaaiiins?" replied the undead queen while maintaining her charming gaze at her mercenary.
"Since I've managed to put these homo-erotic thoughts into poor Ocean" Gullas said with a wicked two dimensional smile "it will only help further our cause of magrarine dominion."
"Will we be able to catch the true heir of the throne, Skoolmunke in order to power the evil doomsday machine?" Rokulilly said with the cutest smile.
"Most certainly, my lady." Gullas replied and continued "Now we only have to wait for 3 days before calling Ozone for a date, we don't want to seem desperate do we?"
"Huhuhu Brrraaaiiins" chuckled zombie Hippe and everyone in the room started to laugh.
Everyone started to laugh except El Cid.
"If case anyone hasn't noticed our fake queen has been turned into a ten foot tall, two headed, half zombie walking entertainment system?" He nabbed the remote from Gullas and slapped him on the back of the head. "We can't have our queen running around saying 'brains' and showing movies on a flat screen TV in her stomach!"
"Why not?" Rokulily said simply. "Just look at that great playlist! I choose some great songs!"
She used the left belly button to scroll through the playlist and hit a freckle below that and a song started. It was Frank Sinatra's rendition of strangers in the night.
Product placement strolled in still in his scrubs. "I tried, honestly I did. But Roy Duncan knocked me out and tied me up in the closet." He paused and looked around the room. "Frank Sinatra, real surround sound, who'd a thought you'd get such great sound out of a half zombie walking entertainment system. That Roy Duncan is a genius!"
"I say, good idea to install that spy monitoring system Roy Duncan." Ironscarf said as he puffed on his cigar.
"Yup, we'll know everything they're doing." He laughed manically.
"I say, good show."
Having searched dozens of White Sales and failing to find a replacement for her purloined yellow silk pillowcase, ayesinback had instead stocked up on popcorn-flavored chewing gum and settled down to watch the entire DD soap from Control Center.
“ Good show – is that what he said?” asked ayesinback of the remarkably-able Banes when the monitor collapsed into a fuzz of static.
“Yes. Absolutely . . . I think,” Banes responded as he adjusted the monitor, attempting to fix the one pixel faux rendering that scrambled the signal. When the picture finally cleared, both ayesinback and Banes were Stunned:
bravo1102 was on his back! apparently in full swoon.
“Nurse!” they heard Product Placement cry, “Fetch the smelling salts! Bravo has succumbed to a total writer’s exhaustion!”
“Product, there are no salts to be had. Genejoke took them to flavor his coffee,” reported Rokulily. “I’d suggest ammonia, but I think RPGgrenade has confiscated that supply to create a concoction that will remedy our Queen’s craving for brains.”
“Geezy Peezy!” swore Product Placement. “The man has gone Too Far with his procurement proclivities! This is a matter of utmost dire-hood! What will we do!”
“Perhaps ,” offered Roy Duncan. “I can offer a solution.”
Everyone was amazed. “What!?!” were the murmurings. Roy Duncan to the rescue?
“First,” said Roy, ”Let me explain. I was not always a villain. In fact, I’ve never been a villain.”
GASP, said the crowd.
“No – not a villain. Not I. I was but a poor boy who only wanted to draw. My parents, House of Muses and Jamie59, could not afford to buy me proper art supplies, so I only had the bits of charcoal briquettes leftover from our weiner roasts. That, and the remnant ends of toilet paper rolls on which to draw. It was all I had, but it was enough –“
“We love you, son!” erupted House of Muses.
“I love you, too, Mom. Anyway, as I was saying - It answered my need to Create! To Envision! To solve-a-dilemma-from-a-strictly-visual-perspective, and – dare I say it? I became good, enthralled as I was. But being enthralled, well, I didn’t realize how I drew my own moustache with that charcoal every time my nose itched. And I have a perpetually itchy nose. For weeks, months - yes - Years! I walked around with a mwahaha moustache. That, and I developed a bit of a respiratory ailment with all that charcoal dust, so there was a bit of an actual “mwahahaha” to contend with.”
OH!, said the crowd.
“So, you’re really not evil?” asked Macattack (who really is evil, what with all that butter/margarine angst he has a-goin’ on. *and folks, you know, it’s because of the Canadian Maple Syrup stock interest he holds in his little hockey hands. You didn’t know that, did you?* )
“Wow. Grr. I want his brains,” proclaimed Queen Hippie Van.
“I. well. I think I might love him,” sighed PIT_FACE. “No, my comrade-in-all. You mean, you think I might love him,” suggested Tantz.
Ah!, said the crowd.
“Even I think I might love him,” advised bravo as he recovered from his swoon.
“I think I might be sick,” said Gullas.
“Does anybody have some salt for my coffee?!” wailed Genejoke.
“Wow. This is one ca-razy show” opined ayesinback.
“Absolutely,” agreed Banes. “But where the hey is the Start button to the time machine?”
"No, STOP!" Tantz suddenly cried, and everything was brought suddenly to a screeching halt, as they turned to look at her and her wide eyed near-panicky expression. Tantz takes off her fez, wipes her forehead with it and slaps it back on, the tassel slowly swinging by her ear. "This doesn't make sense! There's no sense in it!"
She glances around a little and tells Pit Face:
"My sister in art and the occasional basket case adventure- we almost MISSED THE POINT!"
"What point? I don't see anything pointy around here," Pit Face says in confusion, "though I must admit the halogen bar does-"
"No! A show has to make sense! A show has to have meaning, a theme, SOMETHING, or THE RATINGS WILL TANK! We can't keep the audience on acid FOREVER!" she almost shakes Pit Face from the shoulders, the EPK machine gun bobbing against her hip with the movement.
She yanks bravo1102 to his feet. "We NEED to find the point, the meaning, THE LOGIC in this, before the powers that be pull the plug in our entire universe! Before we even grow a respectable fandom! THAT'S what we were sent here to do! Ensure FANS for What Happened While I was Away!"
"If worse comes to worse, we can buy electric ones in Duckam City," Roy Duncan says helpfully.
Pit Face scratches her head a little. "It does ring a bell… I think. It could be the booze."
"Hm," bravo1102 rubs his chin. "I have a growing suspicion the entire point of all this is that inbreeding and incest is a sure bet for cavorting madness."
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