Got dem, Deep Inside a Dungeon Blues
by The Bard
I woke up this morning
Deep inside a dungeon.
I woke up this morning.
I was deep inside a dungeon.
Believe me baby,
I can barely function.
And my best friend's a halfing
Who's fixated on his luncheon.
I have no treasure,
and my last G-string has broke.
I have no treasure,
and my last G-string is broke
Believe me baby,
Being without underwear
is painful for us menfolk
(It's getting chaffed down there, baby)
Our mage is powerful
She can call down fire.
Our Mage is powerful
She calls down the fire.
And when she gets angry, baby
It one of us who's on the pyre.
(But Dennis is usually the one getting burned.)
The Paladin's a woman
But once she was a man.
The Paladin's a woman
But she was once a man
And the Barbarian was a dog
But she's doing the best she can
(She still has the fleas though, and, baby, some itches can't be scratched.)
The Cleric was evil
But now he's reborn
The Cleric was evil
But he became reborn
And the demon god he worshipped
is now a domesticated pet who's into porn
(Those tentacles get everywhere, baby. Mercy.)
The Ranger misses nature
And she misses the Barbarian too
The Ranger misses nature
And she misses her true love too
But the Thief hijacked a wish
And cut their romance in two.
He stole that genie's wish
And toppled their romance askew.
(A fine how-do-you-do.)
Deep inside a Dungeon
I woke up this morning
I was deep inside a dungeon.
I'd rather be with you, baby
Instead of with these munchkins.
I'd rather be with you, baby.
Sharing my love truncheon.
(It's a tasty log of spicy meat, baby. Maybe we could have it with a little cheese and some crackers? And a glass or two of wine? In front of a nice warm fire. I'll sing love ballads to you, baby. Oh, yeah … no, don't go, baby. Come back, baby. I'm begging you, baby … ).
[ I'm working on a recording of this, but maybe Ozone could do it better? ]
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Comic Talk and General Discussion *
QUACKCAST 94 - needs your contribution! Subject: Introduce your character!
Not sure what you wanted, but hopefully something like this will work for you.
Haiku first, because that actually took the most effort. Ha ha. For those interested, Basho is considered to be a master of haiku. Translations of his work are readily available. Personally, I prefer Waka, which is 5757. More room to explore, and less prone to misinterpretation.
And now onto the haiku:
Each life falls as leaves
Before winter, before fall
Some before the spring
Announcer: So, Gemma, tell us about Kenji and his way.
Gemma: Kenji? It’s hard to say who he is. I can only tell you what he’s like.
Announcer: Ummm… ok.
What’s he like, then?
Gemma: (giggles) He
likes tea, and unagi, and tempura! And-I
don’t know how to put it-he likes Zen.
Announcer: As in Zen Buddhism?
Gemma: (pause) No…
Announcer: But Zen is a sect of Buddhism.
Gemma: Well, yeah, but every time I ask Kenji about THAT
stuff he tells me “god is a fool .”
Announcer: Well, I supposed that’s sort of Buddhist.
Gemma: (nervous laugh) It’s sort of like that space between
death and life, or what I imagine it to be, that’s what Kenji is like.
Announcer: What do you mean?
Gemma: Watching him
is… He doesn’t care about living or dying; all he cares about is the beauty of
the moment. He gets lost in it. It’s like watching an Artist paint a picture
or a master sculptor create. I’ve never seen anyone like him.
Announcer: It sounds like you care for him very much.
Gemma: No way! He is,
like, totally gross! I mean, he likes
eel. EEL! … Besides, he likes big… well, you know. And I’m… you know…
Announcer: (insert hysterical laughter)
Gemma: WHAT?! Stop recording! Gimme’ that tape! Come back here! Gimme’ that tape or I’m gonna’ cut off…
(Tape ends abruptly)
(insert mumbled apology for unscheduled disruption of the
program and continue)
bravo1102 wrote:How bout some of the space good guys? Maybe some of the captives yet to be converted to robofemoids?
I couldn't come up with anything sorry. All the robofemoids said "not in program" and the grey guys blew me off saying if I wasn't willing to pay extra they weren't doing anything extra.
Alternatively threaten the grey guys that all the subsequent victims they will have available to turn into weapons will be pitifully flat chested. Like, AA cups at MOST.
You asked for it:
From Femoid-SASH:
My name was Sasha Clausvonova. I was a medical doctor specializing in aviation medicine working for a top secret space project. In a few short days I saw every woman co-worker captured by alien attackers and made into mindless, heartless robotic monsters bent only on destruction. Then when no one else remained came my turn.
I have had parts of my brain replaced by crystals tied into a complex crystalline control matrix throughout my torso which diverts my nervous system into a powerful beam weapon. I also have had my skin made into exo-dermal armor which protects me from projectile weapons short of an anti-tank missile. My skin is still supple and appears quite normal but my torso has to remain bare for proper interface of the control matrixes. I am a robofemoid. My name now is Femoid-SASH.
From Hank (I called in a favor)
My name is Hank. Yes, I know what you think. That’s not an acronym or anything it’s my name. I am a Grey Guy, a generic human. Long time ago somebody wanted an interchangeable human for organ repair and general servitude. So we’re grey. Now my former boss Bob circulated this paper about how to make a human into a mindless, armored, laser armed, death machine. Turned out only women could be converted. Cool with me I like breasts. Confidentially though I like small ones, not huge like Bill or Bob. Did I mention the torso has to remain bare for “proper crystal interface”? Cool huh? So all bare breasts, all the time.
Once upon a time Greyguys rebelled against the whole slave thing. We roam the systems now and kidnap people and line up blinking lights and mess with them but always taking off their clothes. That really upsets most people except Aordians. Sanctimonious Aordians spouting their advanced morality which sees no stigma in nudity. They got the best looking women in the galaxy, so I guess they don’t mind flaunting it.
So now Bob is dead the Russian thing worked, we made the robofemoids but now we’re out in space because earth got too hot.Nuclear blast hot. Burned off that unitard we aliens wear as some kind of trope thing. Anyway I prefer a baseball cap and a pair of jeans. So now we’re with Grey Gals. Dominant gender in most societies across the galaxy is female. They say jump, you ask how high. They chase after you and buy you drinks. Except they want what they want when they want it and the rest of the time, anything you want, that’s just too bad.
So now we strip more for conversion and are making more robofemoids to get them better and perfect the process and program. Right, so when it’s all said and done what then? We sell it. Plenty of planets will want this process. You grab somebody, play with some blinking lights and set them loose to blow stuff up. That’ll shake up stuff in the galaxy and in the meantime I got a Grey gal who likes me. Whoo-hoo. And all I did was say hi and show up with a bottle of champagne!
Thanks Ayes! I'll take you up on that offer!
Sure enough. What do I get? Oo oo oo! Lady Prison Guard?
skoolmunkee wrote:Please do! ^_^
skoolmunchkin? >:[ Maybe I'll just read all my parts in an oompa loompa voice
Actually, "Skoolmunchkin" is a quote from the DD Soap, it's what I call you after our tumultuous meeting in a post apocalyptic future in a dingy bar.
Ah, I loved that storyline…
Bravo's recorded reading for Hank was inspiring! It's inspired me to think about doing a recording for my other big character Ace Kinkaid… Maybe even Cc too!
We don't really have that many contributions here, so why not include other characters? ^_^
Ace Kinkaid says:
Howdy. The name's Ace Kinkaid.
At the moment I'm in a life and death mech fight with this wily Pink haired freak who just won't give up! I'm thinking it's about time for her to die…
Things seemed so straight forward and easy… well maybe not entirely straight forward, but it should have been easy. All I had to do was play along with Pinky till I could double-cross her safely, get the Buddha, then deliver it and the mechs to the British for big bucks!
But things didn't go as planned. My contact in the transport caravan was nowhere to be seen! If he HAD been, I'd have been done right there, but noooo… Then when it looks like things are finally starting to go right and I'm getting away clean, that mad woman escapes and blows the crap outta my tromper!
Well, I'm gonna show her.
Cc says:
I'm Cynthia Crow. Cc is a more efficient name however so I use that instead.
Pinky, Pinky, Pinky… I just don't think she gets it, you know? I don't fight for peace, I fight for the Empire. The Crimean Empire must be victorious, no matter the cost. Pinky is simple, all she cares about is minimising casualties, saving lives, sparing civilians… she can't make the hard choices.
I can and I shall.
You sacrifice pawns for greater advantage later on in the game, that's their purpose.
Pinky makes a good pawn.
Cc and Ace you little scamps!
Putrid Meat:
"i'm Gretchen, the deposed queen of Septica, but not for long… When Exis came to Septica and stripped my husband, Felix of his power, he stole my son's future. My little Zeusy is such a beautiful,bright boy! who could do such a thing?my husband, Felix, is dead, and that red headed boy, Bones, left to kill Exis. but he's dissapeared and Exis is still very much alive. a GOOD man is so hard to find these days. it's starting to look like i'll need to take things into my OWN hands. dont worry my little Zeusy…MOMMY'll take care of you…"
"hey! gimme that mic,Oz! scoot over. awright, I'm Bones n'that's bullshit! where does she think i am,on vacation? yeah i tried to scrag Exis n hell, i'm about to try again, soon as i can manage t'get on the same side of the PLANET that he's on at least. after th'attack, he 'shipped m'ass off to some brainwashin lab. he only managed it cuz he sicked a fuckin land walkin Megaladon after me. 's hard to kill someone when yer dettached from your legs, but WATCH me, i'll manage, and it'll be the coolest shit YOU'LL ever see in yer life. off'a my BACK,Gretchen, dontcha got some diapers to change or somethin?"
"I'm Exis and i just have to cut in here for a moment. i'm afraid there's just been a little bit of a MISUNDERSTANDING here. see, Neither Bones OR Gretchen have anything to fear from me. i'm a peaceful, benevolent leader. they're just in…a bit of SHOCK. that's all. some time to adjust and see things MY way will help ease them into a better, much more….TRANQUIL li—what? what do you mean Bones's escaped?! OFF you'r ass, Warhead and BRING me his HEAD!!…..anyways as i was saying, a much more tranquil way of life."
Bombshell
Haiku (5-7-5):
Good people suffer
A great evil roams unchecked
In time she’ll fix that.
Series intro:
“I believe heroes are those who do more good than can be expected of them. Like my brother, who tried to ease people’s suffering in areas devastated by wars and unchecked greed. I admired him, because it was something I could never have done. I am Aria Conti, and I work for the United Nations mine action program. My line of work comes with meeting those people who are directly responsible for the evils my brother had faced. Powerful people, who destroy lives for a living. Dealing with them in my position at the UN always involves compromising. So I created a persona that wouldn’t have to compromise – Bombshell. Whether that makes me more of a hero, or more of a terrorist – you decide.
So, how do I go about fixing the world? Well, I do have this prosthetic metal hand that can easily overpower your average thug, but – I’m not exactly in the business of disarming bankrobbers. And you don’t have to be a world-class athlete or martial arts expert to overpower Silvio Berlusconi or Donald Rumsfeld. On the other hand, you can’t possibly be well-trained enough to outmatch the means guys like these have at their disposal. Strength doesn’t really figure into this. So while I probably could give a room full of Wall Street bozos a run for their money, the plan is to use and subvert what’s already there. Well, I can’t tell you too much about that… yet. You’ll see. In the meantime, I might have to do more of this superhero stuff than I signed up for…”
Notes for skoolmunkee:
I’m glad you agreed to do the voice, and I’m sure you will do a great job! I’m not overly protective of my characters, and I always enjoy different interpretations, so just go with what seems right to you. In case you’d like to have some input, here are my thoughts:
She is originally Italian, but in order to protect her identity she has trained herself not to show it. So there might or might not be something of the melodic (or operatic) quality associated with Italian linger in the way she talks – in any case, it would be rather subtle and overwritten by her time in New York. More importantly, she has a certain determination and ego that comes with both her job and the fact that she believes her mission to be very important. She is used to talking in front of people, and to be in situations where she has to convince and impress her audience. In this case, since she is talking about something personal, she might be a bit more sympathetic than in any of the speeches she usually gives. The text above goes from beliefs that are intertwined with deeply personal biographic facts, to a sort of calculated strategy, and ends on a lighter note, so the performance might reflect that.
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